Monthly Archives: February 2016

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Ranking the Coolest Bible Characters (Genesis 1-4)

This year I have decided to read the Bible every night as part of my Lenten promise. As you probably know, the Bible is extraordinarily difficult to understand, as it was written about 30 million years ago (or something like that) and they spoke very differently back in the day. So I have decided to make it my Christian duty to summarize my nightly readings and create easy-to-read countdowns highlighting what I deem to be the most important/interesting parts of the scripture.

First of all, I get it. You have a lot of responsibilities when you are trying to start a world, and there is little time for having fun and being funny. But, some people were just much cooler than others, plain and simple. And this leads me to my first Bible related countdown: Ranking the 6 main characters in the first 4 chapters of Genesis based on how cool they are.

6. Eve

(photo credit: 123rf.com)

(photo credit: 123rf.com)

Not only did Eve eat the ONLY THING that God asked her not to eat, but she also made her husband eat it too. And all because the Serpent told her it was ok? Why the hell would she listen to the Serpent, first of all? Second of all, she tried to blame the Serpent when God caught her and was pissed at her, which is ridiculous. I understand that God was probably very intimidating, but have some dignity and take the punishment like a woman rather than trying to pin the blame on the Serpent.

For fear of sounding sexist due to the fact that I ranked the only woman on the countdown last, I took the poll to the streets. I interviewed Ms. Rebecca Gallucci*, catholic school college graduate, and self-proclaimed “sporadic Bible reader”, and asked her for her opinion on Eve.

“She ruined it for all of us” says Gallucci, referring to Eve’s moment of weakness. Gallucci later went on to say…

“Had Eve not eaten that apple, we all could be having a blast in the Garden of Eden right now, instead of here at work.”

Gallucci, brings up a valid point. What if Eve hadn’t eaten of the forbidden fruit? Would we all be living blissfully frolicking in paradise, or would some other weak-minded person stroll along. INTERESTING FACT: There has not been a mother that has not been a buzzkill since Eve. She really started an awfully annoying trend that has lasted for a gazillion years.

5. Cain

Here is a photo of Cain murdering his bro. I believe this is right around the time that the polaroid camera was invented. While the actual photographer in unknown, the image came from bible.wikia.com

(Here is a photo of Cain murdering his bro. I believe this is right around the time that the polaroid camera was invented. While the actual photographer in unknown, the image came from bible.wikia.com)

Cain is known as the first murderer of all time, but is still ranked a notch higher than his buzzkill mother. Cain sucks not only because he killed his bro, but he also because he couldn’t do anything right. When God was hungry, Cain brought him fruit. Come on, Cain. When GOD is hungry he needs something a little more substantial than a few pieces of fruit.

Eventually God made Cain leave the Garden of Eden and just walk around in the desert. He also put a curse on Cain that nobody could ever kill him, and if they did, God would kill that person and seven of their family members. God hated Cain so much that he didn’t want to give him the pleasure of dying. And if God hates you that much, you really must be a complete jerk. I wonder if Cain is still walking around in the desert somewhere? Hopefully I find out what happened to him in the next few chapters. The suspense is killing me.

4. God

(photo credit: almightygod.wordpress.com)

(OMG! photo credit: almightygod.wordpress.com)

God was a complete superstar the first 2 chapters of Genesis. He made the Earth, and Heaven, and the Sea, and every animal of all time, and the sun and moon and stars, and a bunch of other stuff. Then he rested for a day, which is totally awesome. There is nothing I love more than a good day of resting.
Then a fully rested God mustered up the strength to make Adam out of dirt and dust, which is incredibly impressive. I can’t even make a stick figure out of Play Doh, but I digress.
My confusion about God comes in chapter 3 and involves the forbidden fruit. If God didn’t want them to eat it so bad, why put it there? Why not put the tree somewhere else? And why make it so tempting? I feel as though there was a bit of foul play on God’s part. He basically set Eve and Adam up for failure, which is not cool.
This doesn’t negate the fact that God gave them everything else, which was so nice of him, but it is kind of equivalent to parents taking their children on a vacation to Orlando and saying to them “we can go wherever we want in Orlando, but we can not go to Disney World. And the kids have a great time at Universal Studios, and visiting Hard Rock Cafes for dinner, and playing mini-golf at one of the many miniature golf courses in Orlando. But, the parents always drive them past the Magic Kingdom, and Epcot, and Hollywood Studios, and the Animal Kingdom and let their children have a good look at how amazing it is and how much fun all the children are having. But the parents keep telling them, whatever you do, don’t EVER go to Disney World, but feel free to visit the Orlando Museum of Art, or the Orlando Fairgrounds Flea Market. And then, one day, after years of being told they can not go to Disney World, they see a mouse, and the mouse ACTUALLY TALKS TO THEM and it says to the children that their parents told him that it was OK for them to go to Disney World today, so the mouse will pick them up in an hour. So, the kids go to Disney World. And then their parents find out they went to Disney World, and they get pissed and then they say they can never go on any vacations ever again. Then the kids are like, “thanks a lot mouse, you got us in trouble, and now we can never do anything fun ever again.”

Is that the children’s fault? Or is it the parents fault? And that is why God is ranked at number 4. I am sure he will make a few more appearances in the story and will improve on the rankings, but for now, I am still a little bit bitter that he kept the forbidden tree so close to Adam and Eve.

 

3. The Serpent

(photo credit) searchforbibletruths.blogspot.com)

(photo credit: searchforbibletruths.blogspot.com)

If God was mad at Eve and Adam, he was really, really mad at the Serpent. I actually feel a bit bad for the Serpent. I am a huge fan of playing pranks and joking around with people. The Serpent probably thought that there was absolutely NO WAY that Eve would be stupid enough to believe him that it was alright to eat the apple. Because really, why would she believe the Serpent over the word of God?
So, the Serpent decided to play a little joke on Eve and tell her that God said it was okay to eat the apple. He was probably in shock that she actually ate the apple, and ruined eternity for every single human being of all time.

If I was having a great time at a bar with my friends, but one of my friends had to leave to go to work, I would probably go to the bathroom and call my friend that had to leave from my cell phone. I would use a fake, funny, voice with a ridiculous accent and pretend that I was his or her boss and tell them that they didn’t have to come in to work today, and that they can stay at the bar and continue to have fun with their friends. Now, if my stupid friend didn’t see my number come up on caller ID, and if he was dumb enough to not be able to tell that it was drunk me on the other end of the phone, I would not feel that bad if he didn’t go to work, and ended up getting fired. A joke is a joke, and I feel as though the Serpent was just trying to have a little bit of fun with Eve. (Yes, I am saying that if I was born 925 million years ago, I would probably have been the funny Serpent that made that idiot Eve ruin the world.)

2. Abel

(photo credit: shepherdproject.com)

(Able, being murdered. photo credit: shepherdproject.com)

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD:…………….. Abel dies.

I feel so bad for Abel. As a younger brother myself, I can totally relate to what it was probably like to have a brother like Cain. The above picture could easily be a still frame of my brother and I at any point from 1985-1997 and I was always the only lying down, just like Abel. My older brother was above me, squeezing my arm so hard, and inflicting pain to my sensitive wrists. Luckily my brother loves me way more than Cain loved Abel, and he never murdered me, only beat me up occasionally. Love you, brother, and thanks for never murdering me. XOXOXO
Abel also gave God Lamb when God was hungry, unlike his useless brother that just gave God some dirty fruit.

I am always shocked at how soon Abel gets killed off, and wish we got to see more of him. I am, however, confident that Abel is up there in Heaven and smiling down on younger brothers everywhere. Thanks Abe

1. Adam

( photo credit: bibleversesabout.org)

(Adam, eating the non-forbidden fruit before Eve shows up and ruins his life. photo credit: bibleversesabout.org)

I am aware of the fact that Adam ate the apple too, but it was not until Eve asked him to, and had already eaten the apple herself. He probably figured, “well, we are totally screwed anyway, so I might as well have a few bites.”
I feel bad for Adam. He was killing it before his wife arrived. He got to name every living creature, which is awesome. Although, if that were my job, I would have tried to come up with much funnier names so that everyone always had to say that name when they were talking about that animal for the rest of time. Like instead of cow, I would have named it zingschwak or something. I loved what he did with Emus. It is such a fun word to say, and I wish that he used more words like that. He also nailed platypus. How can the same guy that came up with emu, platypus, and porcupine, also come up with ant, dog, and bird. He must have run out of funny names, I suppose.
Anyway, Adam was put into a deep sleep by God, so God could take out one of his ribs to create his awful wife, Eve. This must have been the best, deepest sleep ever. I am imagining it must have been like one of my sleeps when I take a full cup of Nyquil and then a little extra sip out of the bottle, but I will never know for sure.
We all owe a great deal to Adam for being our greatest great grandfather of all time, and for putting up with Eve for so many years.

Funniest line:

“And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.”

Can we please make it a thing to start saying “they knew each other” instead of saying “they did it.”

There is nothing I want to say more than “I know who you knew last summer.”

NEXT UP: Genesis 5-8 (We are going to meet Noah, and it is going to rain for like 300,000 years.)

* A special shout-out to contributor Rebecca Gallucci. To hear more about her hatred of Eve, or to hear what she has to say about being healthy visit her blog at thehauteholistic.com

If you would like to be interviewed for a Bible related countdown, or would like to share your favorite Genesis 1-4 star, contact me at rjacob21@gmail.com or leave a comment below.

SEE ALSO: Top 5 Reason Why Noah is Such a Stud

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Ranking the Cast of Survivor Kaoh Rong: Brains Vs. Brawn Vs. Beauty 2

After the epic 31st season of Survivor, the cast of Survivor: Kaoh Rong has the tremendously difficult task of living up to its predecessor. So what better way to make sure it is a successful season than to bring back an old twist?  After all, it worked so well with Blood Vs. Water 2. Yes, that is an attempt at sarcasm.

The promos are promising this to be the most brutal season of all time, with multiple injuries, evacuations, and mid-challenge “Probst pauses” to check on boo boos attained by the castaways. And what better time than right after the football season has ended. Survivor: Kaoh Rong will be just what you need to fill the missing gap in your life of watching people get injured. Only now, instead of screaming at your TV “JUST ROLL HIM OFF THE FIELD AND CARRY ON WITH THE GAME.” You can scream “JUST ROLL THEM OFF TO THE SIDE AND FINISH THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE.”

After countless hours of watching the cast’s video introductions on cbs.com (which I had to suffer through watching the same Valentine’s commercial about being in love with your best friend 18 times in row) I feel as though I am prepared to make my bold predictions as to who will win the thirty-second installment of televisions longest running competitive reality show. Can I publicly predict the winner 2 years in a row? You’re damn right I can.

Introducing the Survivor: Kaoh Rong castaways (ranked in order of the likelihood of them winning season 32) AS ALWAYS: ALL COUNTDOWNS ARE SPOILER FREE AND BASED SOLELY ON THE OPINION OF THE AUTHOR. Should you have your hands on any spoilers, please take them elsewhere.

18. Nick (Beauty Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

I certainly hope that this is just a case of somebody playing it up for the camera during interviews, because based on his intro video, this guy seems to be one of the least likable people that has ever played the game.

First off, he is a “life coach” and during his interview he basically says that his job is a bunch of B.S. and that the things he “coaches” his clients through is just common sense. He then goes on to share that he is really good at pretending to care what other people are saying because he has to pretend that he cares what his clients are telling him. I am sure that his clients love hearing that he could not care any less about them and thinks they lack any and all common sense.

There is no chance. Literally not a shot in hell, that this guy wins this game. He may stick around for a while based on the fact that he is one of only 2 strong alpha males on his tribe, but he could have the strength of the Incredible Hulk and his tribe would still vote him off eventually for being so arrogant and pompous.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION- He is voted out before the merge, and will be blindsided by the ladies of the tribe. The same ones that he thinks he has wrapped around his finger.

17. Alecia (Brawn Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

The fact that Alecia is 24 and has seemingly completed her bucket list already, is quite impressive. She seems like she is determined to prove her strength and does not back down from confrontation. This may not bode to well for Alecia on the Brawn tribe. The other 2 females on her tribe are much bigger and tougher than she is. Her “I’m a tough girl because I do adventurous activities, and am an adrenaline junkie” persona may work in the real world, but I don’t expect it to hold up enough to be a valuable asset to the Brawn tribe.

If she can survive long enough to merge with the other tribes, I can see her aligning with some of the Brains or Beauty girls, but if the Brawn tribe loses even one immunity challenge before any swaps or merges, Alecia is toast.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION – Pre Merge. First off the Brawn tribe. If they do not lose, she will survive a few more weeks, but will be out early merge for being seen as a flipper for trying to go against her former Brawn tribe that she couldn’t stand.

16. Caleb (Beauty Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Big Brother’s Beast Mode Cowboy is back to try his hand at another reality show. If you watched Caleb on Big Brother you know that he is a nice guy. He is also funny, loyal, handsome, and genuine (And if you didn’t know that, I am sure he will tell you a few times during episode 1.) But you also may know that he does not have all that much going on upstairs (and if you didn’t know that, I am sure you will see proof of that many times during episode 1.)

I expect Caleb to play Survivor the same way he played Big Brother. He will be loyal to a fault to his alliance, but he will not make bold enough moves to win the game. The first time that his alliance is not in the majority, Caleb will likely be voted off. He will be a challenge threat, he will be a threat to win in the finals due to how likable he is, and he will be seen as a threat simply for playing Big Brother before.

If, by some miracle he is in the final 3, the jury will love him, and that is always a huge plus. But likability aside, will he be able to articulate to a jury why he should win the game? Very, very unlikely.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION: Caleb will be out around the merge. And at the reunion, Probst will make it a point to force Caleb to explain how much harder it is to play Survivor than Big Brother. 

15. Julia (Beauty Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Julia is 18 years old. EIGHTEEN. As she explained in her interview, less than one year ago she was sitting in a classroom raising her hand to ask her teachers if she could use the bathroom.

While Julia is certainly well-traveled and has a significant amount of life experiences for someone of her age, she is going to be way out of her league for the harsh elements that are supposedly in store for her in Cambodia. She could be in danger of going home pre merge, should her tribe lose a few times, but I expect her to make it mid jury, and be the last of her alliance to be voted out, as she will not be seen as much of a threat.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTIONS: Mid jury, I’ll go with 7th place. Should she make it to the end of the game, it will be because someone carried her there. She will not be the mastermind behind any big game moves, and therefore, I have a very hard time seeing a scenario in which a jury would reward a quasi-deserving 18 year old with a million dollars.

14. Debbie (Brains Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Despite being the oldest woman in the game, Debbie will not be a challenge liability. She seems to be extraordinarily educated, and in great physical shape. The issue Debbie will have is her social game. Will she be able to fit in with the younger crowd?Debbie seems to be a bit of an oddball. (Her biggest pet peeve is the idolization of garish). Umm, what the….

She reminds me of Denise, winner of Survivor: Philippines, except for the fact that Denise was a bit more down to Earth, and blended in a bit more than Debbie will. If she can manage to form some bonds with some of the younger guys, like Denise, she could cruise to the end of the game, and have a very good shot at winning it all. If, however, she does not focus on her relationships, she could find herself being voted out in no time.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION: Debbie is a complete wild card that will determine her own fate simply by her relationships with the tribe. If she fails to form bonds, which is what I am leaning towards at the moment, she will be out immediately, maybe even first.

13. Elisabeth (Brains Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Elisabeth is going into the game with the expectation of being a villain. While that may mean that she will not be scared to make some big moves, I don’t see it working out too well for her. She will try to make too many big moves, and will get caught. She may be too intelligent for her own good (she got a perfect score on her SAT’s) as she may think that her intelligence in real life will help her fool her competitors in the game.
Her intelligence may help her figure out some puzzles quickly, but will have nothing to do with helping people want to align with someone that they don’t perceive as loyal. She will flirt with all of the boys, but the only thing that will do is make the girls distrust her more, and work harder to get her voted off.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION: Pre merge – early merge. Maybe even the first one booted from the merged tribe.

Part 2 (#12-7) Click Here.

Head over to cbs.com to see the castaways for yourself and make your own predictions. Agree with the predictions? Disagree? Comment below and let us hear what you have to say.

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The Best of Disney World’s Monorail Pub Crawl

First off, let me start by saying that Walt Disney World, has absolutely nothing to do with the Monorail Bar Crawl, or the Monorail “Pub” Crawl. They do not endorse it, they do not promote it, and they sure as hell do not acknowledge one’s demands to have their accomplishments announced over the monorail loud speakers on the journey back to the Magic Kingdom.

But, let’s be honest, who can resist having a 200 foot train-in-the-sky cart you around from drinking establishment to drinking establishment? While this may not be the reason the monorail was invented, it certainly does take bar hopping to new heights (pardon the pun.)

Monorail Pub Crawl?????

So, what exactly is the Monorail Pub Crawl, you ask? Well, the answer is pretty self explanatory. You simply board a monorail at Magic Kingdom and when it makes its first stop (at the Contemporary Resort) you hop off the sky-train and head to the nearest watering hole.

Once you have seen (drank) enough at The Contemporary, you simply hop back on to the monorail and enjoy the quick ride to the next stop, the Polynesian Resort. Throw back a few pineapple concoctions or other beverage of choice that you deem appropriate for the polynesian atmosphere and stumble back on to the monorail and head to your final stop, the Grand Floridian.

Make a fool of yourself at Disney’s classiest resort by insisting they serve you a Mickey martini, hop on the monorail one final time and head back to the Magic Kingdom. Viola, you have completed the epic adventure of Disney’s Monorail Pub Crawl.

The happiest mode of transportation on Earth arrives to take you on an epic bar crawl.

The happiest mode of transportation on Earth arrives to take you on an epic bar crawl.

 

What Makes This Pub Crawl So Different?

One of the best parts of the Monorail Pub Crawl (unlike the other famous Disney drinking adventure, “Drinking Around the World”), is that you can create your own experience. It’s basically a real life choose-your-own-adventure book for adults. Each of the three Disney hotels on the “Crawl” have multiple bars, located everywhere from fine dining restaurants, and casual dining, to tiki huts and pool side bars.

Which route is best for me?

So how do you know which path to take when embarking on your Disney drinking challenge? Below, is not only the 7 must-drink-at bars on the Monorail Pub Crawl, (ranked in order, this is Ryan’s Countdown’s after all), but also a guide as to what stops you should make based on your wants and needs. Maybe you just want to try one drink at one bar at each of the three hotels. Not my style, but I have the perfect route that you should take to maximize your limited participation.

Maybe you want to get a good buzz on, but you have to get back to the baby-sitter by 7, and can’t get demolished. I have a route that will get your Buzzzzzzzz Lightyear on and ready to hit up “It’s a Small World” with the kiddos for the 8th time in 3 days.

Or maybe, just maybe, you are tired of the lines, the heat, the children, the crowds, and the alcohol-free Magic Kingdom all together, and ready to hit the Monorail Pub Crawl head on. I will show you the best route to maximize your time while experiencing everything that the three luxury hotels have to offer.

Regardless of whether you choose to follow one of the three routes, or if you pick and choose your own route, the Monorail Pub Crawl is the greatest thing that has happened to adults at Disney World since….. well………. ever.

 

The 7 Must Visit Stops on the Monorail Pub Crawl

 

7. Mizner’s Lounge (Grand Floridian)

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Let’s face it, the Grand Floridian is way too classy for you. If you are the type of person that will be participating in the Monorail Pub Crawl, odds are you are not staying at the Grand Floridian. And everyone can tell. I am sure that actual Grand Floridian guests will be able to spot you a mile away and will be able to sense that you are up to no good. The thing is, however, that the Grand Floridian is the last stop on the crawl, and you will not care what any uppity Grand Floridian guests will think of your epic monorail adventure by the time you stumbled through the front doors and arrive in the Victorian ballroom (or hotel lobby for the rest of us.)

Mizner’s Lounge is a small pub with a limited, but enticing menu. The bar itself is small, and the staff was by far the least welcoming out of all the stops on the crawl. Granted this is Disney World staff, so “not welcoming” simply means that they were not so overly sweet that you start to hate yourself for not being as bubbly as they are when you are working.

Mizner's Loung in the day time. A sight you will likely never see. (photo credit: disneyworld.disney.go.com)

Mizner’s Lounge in the day time. A sight you will likely never see. (photo credit: disneyworld.disney.go.com)

 

The Upside?????

The best part of Mizner’s Lounge is that it is located directly behind the bandstand in which the Grand Floridian Society Orchestra plays live jazz music. OK, that may be the 2nd best part. The best thing is that they give away free trail mix at the bar (which will be quite necessary if you make it all the way there.)

If you follow the Ryan’s Countdowns guide to the Monorail Pub Crawl, the only people that will make this stop will be the people that are on the advanced track AKA the Donald and Daisy Drunk route.

 

6. Outer Rim (Contemporary Resort)

The Blue Glow-Tini and the MagicalStar at the Outer Rim at Disney's Contemporary Resort. (photo credit: ryanscountdowns.com)

The Blue Glow-Tini and the MagicalStar at the Outer Rim at Disney’s Contemporary Resort. (photo credit: ryanscountdowns.com)

 

While the overall experience at the Outer Rim was delightful, it still lands at number six simply for the lack of excitement surrounding the bar. The location of the bar itself resembles that of an airport bar. While sitting at the small bar (which only seats about 6-7 guests) your back is to everyone and everything that is happening in the hotel. There is so much hustle and bustle happening around you that it makes you feel like you are missing out on things, when in actuality, you are just missing families yelling at each other, people rushing to catch the monorail before it embarks towards its next destination, and the sounds of the patrons at Chef Mickey’s enjoying their non-liquid dinners.

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Best Part of Outer Rim…

The up side? The views are fantastic, the drinks are fun and delicious, and the bartenders (at least the one man that we had, an older man with many years of bartending experience) are exceptional. It is a great place to begin your Monorail Pub Crawl journey as it is the closest bar to the 1st monorail stop. Get the Blue Glow-Tini as you get to keep the glow in the dark cube that goes in your drink, and it is a great souvenir to remember your Monorail Pub Crawl experience. You will need all the help you can get.

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5. The Wave (Contemporary Resort)

A delicious, refreshing, locally brew'd Funky Buddha Floridian Hefeweizen, and a boring, yet yummy, Sam Adams. Guess which one I had. (photo credit: ryanscountdowns)

A delicious, refreshing, locally brew’d Funky Buddha Floridian Hefeweizen, and a boring, yet yummy, Sam Adams. Guess which one I had. (photo credit: ryanscountdowns)

 

The Wave is a stylish ocean themed bar that is inviting from the minute you walk into the tunnel entrance designed to make you feel like you are walking under the crest of a giant wave. It is all quite apropos.

The magical tunnel entrance to The Wave at the Contemporary Resort. One of the first stops on the Monorail Bar Crawl. (photo credit: https://disneyworld.disney.go.com/dining/contemporary-resort/wave-restaurant-of-american-flavors/)

The magical tunnel entrance to The Wave at the Contemporary Resort. One of the first stops on the Monorail Pub Crawl. (photo credit: https://disneyworld.disney.go.com)

 

The Wave offers breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and has a variety of unique seating options including a roomy bar, luxurious over-sized couches in their “underwater” lounge, and plenty of traditional table seating in their dining room.

The bar area is perfect for watching a game on one of their large TV’s, and their lounge area is a great place to relax in blue-lighted ambiance after a long day in the theme parks. It is recommended that you take a seat at the bar and have an appetizer at Wave before you head to your next stop. While the menu may not be as extensive as it is at the Contemporary’s other must-visit bar, California Grill, it is high quality food and not outrageously priced.

 

4. Citricos (Grand Floridian)

A Salted Caramel Manhattan and a Purity Martini at Cítricos Lounge at the Grand Floridian. (photo credit: Ryan's Countdowns)

A Salted Caramel Manhattan and a Purity Martini at Cítricos Lounge at the Grand Floridian. (photo credit: Ryan’s Countdowns)

 

With perhaps one of the most extensive drink menus at all of Disney World, Cítricos Lounge at the Grand Floridian is a great place to begin winding down your pub crawl. Enjoy one of their delicious unique martinis, or choose from one of their many international wines.

The lounge area at Citricos at the Grand Floridian. (photo credit: disneyworld.disney.go.com)

The lounge area at Citricos at the Grand Floridian. (photo credit: disneyworld.disney.go.com)

 

Cítricos is one of the classier lounges on the bar crawl, so you may want to remove your hat, refresh your make-up, and compose your drunken self before trying to get a coveted spot at one of their limited bar seats. Once you’re there, grab your final appetizer of the night and enjoy a cocktail with the peace of mind of knowing that your liver will be getting a well deserved rest in no time at all.

(Try to hold out for bartender Chris, from Massachusetts, as he was by far our favorite bartender on the adventure.)

 

3. Tambu Lounge (Polynesian)

The Lapu Lapu, possibly the most sought after drink in all of Disney World. (photo credit: Ryan's Countdowns)

The Lapu Lapu, possibly the most sought after drink in all of Disney World. (photo credit: Ryan’s Countdowns)

 

No pub crawl is complete without a delicious hollowed out pineapple filled to the brim with rum, rum, and more rum. The Tambu Lounge, on the upper level of the Polynesian Resort, is the embodiment of Disney World. You will feel like you are really in the French Polynesia as you sip on a Lapu Lapu (above) and are getting leid by your bartender.

If you are a good Monorail Bar Crawl participant, maybe your bartender will end up getting you leid.

If you are a good Monorail Pub Crawl participant, maybe you will end up getting leid at the Polynesian.

 

The only negative thing about the Tambu Lounge is that it gets pretty crowded, as many people wait at the bar before their dinner reservations at Ohana or the Kona Cafe. The positive though, is that there is a good amount of  comfortable lounge seating that you can take advantage of once you do get your delicious cocktail.

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The bartenders at the Tambu Lounge are the real deal, and they can probably make a Lapu Lapu in their sleep. The bartender I had was making nine of them at one time. It is difficult to find a resort anywhere in the world that is better than the Polynesian, and the Tambu Lounge is one of the main reasons why the Polynesian is so epic.

2. Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto (Polynesian)

The outside patio at Trader Sam's Grog Grotto. (photo credit: Ryan's Countdowns)

The outside patio at Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto. (photo credit: Ryan’s Countdowns)

 

Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto is by far the most fun stop on the crawl. The catch, however, is that it is very difficult to get in. The bar only allows 51 guests inside at any given time, and you can not make reservations. They will allow you to put your name in at the front desk and they will give you a pager so you know when you can return to get inside.

BUT, even when you finally are allowed to enter, there may not be seats available for you and your party. It is first come, first serve seating, so unless you do not mind sitting down with a stranger, you may want to take a quick peek just to see what all the fuss is about, and head outside to their outdoor patio (which has the same menu of fun drinks and delicious appetizers.)

Trader Sam's unique Grotto is the most fun you will have on the Crawl. (photo credit: disneyworld.disney.go.com)

Trader Sam’s unique Grotto is the most fun you will have on the Crawl. (photo credit: disneyworld.disney.go.com)

 

If you are lucky enough to get inside Trader Sam’s and find a seat, you are in for a treat as the staff is highly dedicated to making it a memorable experience for you and your party. Because of the limited amount of guests at any given time, the staff (particularly the waiters and waitresses) make you feel like you are the most important drunk person in Disney World. This is the ONLY stop along the crawl where not sitting at the bar may be better for you to fully enjoy the Trader Sam’s experience.

1. California Grill (Contemporary Resort)

The must-visit California Grill and the must-taste Cucumber Martini and Santa Monica Cider (photo credit: Ryan's Countdowns)

The must-visit California Grill and the must-taste Cucumber Martini and Santa Monica Cider (photo credit: Ryan’s Countdowns)

 

Not only does California Grill offer the greatest views in Disney World, but it also has the best menu, the best drinks, the best service, and, most importantly, the best overall experience on the Monorail Pub Crawl.

There is an official dress code to get to into California Grill (no hats, no holes in jeans, basically just don’t be a mess.) There is also a very high demand to get up to the restaurant at the top of the Contemporary. We had no problem getting a spot at the bar, but you may want to make a reservation just to be safe. Try to schedule your stop at California Grill close to sunset. This way, you will see the beautiful view of Magic Kingdom in the daytime, but also the breathtaking transition of Cinderella’s Castle becoming illuminated. Also, if you plan on having a full dinner on the pub crawl, this would be the place to do it, especially if you are not on a tight budget as the menu is a bit pricey.

The view of the Magic Kingdom from California Grill is second to none. (photo credit: contemporaryresort.net)

The view of the Magic Kingdom from California Grill is second to none. (photo credit: contemporaryresort.net)

 

CHOOSING YOUR ROUTE

The MINNIE Route (Easy)

This route is for those that either do not want to drink too much, are on a limited budget, have time restraints, or have underaged members in their party. You’ll experience the crawl and visit all three hotels, but will only stop at the best of the best. Pretty lame, but hey, at least you tried.

3 Stops (estimated time: 2 1/2 hours)

Stop 1 – Contemporary

California Grill (If for some reason you can not get into the California Grill, Wave would be your stop at The Contemporary.)

Stop 2 – Polynesian

Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto (If you can not get a seat inside, go to the outdoor patio, Make sure to keep your souvenir glass that your cocktail comes in.)

Stop 3 – Grand Floridian

Cítricos (If kids are with you, just go to one of the pool bars at the Grand Floridian.)

 

ROUTE 2 – The Buzzzzed Lightyear (Medium Difficulty)

5 Stops – (estimated time 4-5 hours) This if for those of you that want to get a good buzz on, and take a reasonably long break from the chaos of the parks. You will get almost the full experience of the entire Monorail Pub Crawl, but will avoid some of the spots that are not overly exciting.

Stop 1 (Contemporary)

Wave
California Grill (Substitute Outer Rim for California Grill if you can not manage to get in.)

Stop 2 (Polynesian)

Tambu Lounge (But first be sure to put your name onto the list at Trader Sam’s)
Trader Sam’s (Hopefully you can get a seat inside, but if not, go to the outdoor patio.)

Stop 3(Grand Floridian)

Cítricos

ROUTE 3 -The Donald and Daisy Drunk Route -(Expert Route)

7 Stops (estimated time 5 1/2 – 6 hours) This is the route to experience all the Monorail Pub Crawl has to offer. You will be an unofficial official member of the club if you can get to all these stops, and earn some big Disney bragging points.

Stop 1 – Contemporary

Outer Rim
Wave
California Grill

Stop 2 – Polynesian

Tambu Lounge
Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto

Stop 3 – Grand Floridian

Cítricos
Mizner’s Lounge

*There are also many pool bars/lounges that could take the spot of a drinking spot should there be an issue (i.e. long waits, members of the group that are under 21, hot days, etc.)

 

Finally, Click here for the Top 10 Tips You Need To Know in order to have a successful Monorail Bar Crawl…

Comment below with any questions you may have about the crawl. And make sure you come back after your trip and let us know about your Monorail Pub Crawl adventures.

Cheers!