Monthly Archives: December 2016

Posted on by

Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

30. Hailey, 23 – Photographer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Hailey. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Hailey is definitely not ranked last because she in unattractive, because that is certainly not the case. In fact, none of the ladies are unattractive because if they were, they wouldn’t be on The Bachelor 21. She is ranked last because she has the bitchiest bio picture in 21 seasons of show. Hailey is a photographer, so she must have been well aware of how she looked when taking the picture. She probably even looked at the proofs and said to the photographer, “Let me give you a little bit bitchier.”

Also, when asked by the producers if she was a romantic, her response was, “No. I’m very passionate and can be intense but I’m not into making out all the time and being sang to.” There is less than a zero percent chance that Nick Viall will ever pick a woman that is not romantic. Sure, Hailey easily could have won Juan Pablo’s Bachelor season, but she will only be on this season for the drama. And once the producers have squeezed every last drop of drama out of her, they will allow Nick to dramatically send her home on a two-on-one date (coincidentally being beaten out by her number one rival.)

29. Jaimi, 28 – Chef

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jaimi. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Strikes against Jaimi:

  • Her tattoos are……. “Forever Smiles,” “To Die For,” and get this… a symbol of her initials. Her own initials. Is it just me, or is that very bizarre to have a tattoo of your own initials?
  • When she wants to impress a guy, she bench presses him with her legs. I will bet my life that one of the only shots we see of Jaimi and Nick interacting will be of Jaimi attempting to bench press Nick with her legs on night one. Then of him hugging her goodbye.
  • She refers to herself as a Pesco-Pollo-Lacto-Ovo-Paro-Tarian. And she wonders why she is single.

 

28. Josephine, 24 – Unemployed Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Josephine. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Out of all the contestants, Tori Spelling…… I mean, Josephine looks most like she is heading to the prom. I am no hair and makeup expert, but her hair looks like it took hours to perfect. Good for Josephine that she wants to look good for Nick, but couple her prom hair-do with her over-the-top diamond necklace, and it looks like Josephine will be more concerned with playing dress up than focusing on finding love.

 

27. Ida Marie, 23 – Sales Manager

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Ida Marie. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Ida Marie had absolutely no problem answering the question, “If you could be any fruit or vegetable what would you be?” Her response: “Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine.”

However when asked the arduous question of “What is your favorite book of all time and why?” she was stumped. Her response: “I need to read more books.”

Ida Marie couldn’t even think of one book ever written. Therefore her response to the question “Who is your favorite author?” will not come as a surprise to you… “Again, I need to read more books.”

26. Taylor, 23 – Mental Health Counselor

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Taylor. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Taylor is 23 years old, but looks like she is in high school in her bio pic. And her answer of what she hates when her date does only confirms that she is way too young for Nick. She hates when her date only talks about himself OR only asks about her.

Might I recommend Taylor’s gift to Nick on opening night be a speaker’s staff, which was used by indigenous peoples of aboriginal democracies in order to indicate whose turn it was to be allowed to speak.

A modern day talking stick that may be used in an elementary school classroom to indicate who has to shut the hell up. (photo credit: bgracebullock.com)

 

After patiently awaiting his turn to speak, a Kwakwaka’wakw man is about to spill all the juicy drama going around the tribe now that he has his Speaker’s Staff. (photo credit: Edward J. Curtis)

 

And the nail in the coffin for why she is way too young for Nick is because she says that one of the ways she tries to impress a guy is to “look bomb.” Nick is 36. Does he really want his wife to say she looks bomb? Of course not.

 

25. Alexis, 23 – Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Alexis.     photo credit: abc.com)

 

Alexis looks like she is about to cry  from being forced to smile for the photographer for so long. She looks exactly like I look when I am waiting for a picture to be taken and the person taking my picture is taking way too long to take the damn picture. I can actually hear her saying “Hurry-The-F@*K-UP” just by looking at her picture.

Alexis is 23 years old whose occupation is “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer.” When asked what fictional character she would be, her response was “The Little Mermaid. Who doesn’t want to be a mermaid?” Ummm, I know who doesn’t want to be a mermaid, Alexis…..me! And you know who else…..

THE LITTLE FRIGGIN’ MERMAID HERSELF!

 

24. Briana, 28 – Surgical Unit Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Briana.                 photo credit: abc.com)

 

The reason Briana is ranked so low is because I think she is lying about her entire life. I was 100% convinced that her occupation was going to be “NFL Cheerleader.” Or at least “Former College Cheerleader.” Or “Cheerleading Coach.” Or possibly even “Aspiring NFL Cheerleading Coach.”

But she didn’t mention cheerleading ONE SINGLE TIME in her bio. She didn’t list Bring It On  as her favorite movie. Nor does she mention pom-poms as one of the five things she can’t live without. And she didn’t even mention being a member of the bronze medalists team in the 2010 National Cheer and Dance Competition as her biggest accomplishment to date.

Therefore, she is lying. And Nick doesn’t want, or deserve liars in his life.

23. Jasmine G, 29 – Pro Basketball Dancer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jasmine G. Photo Credit: abc.com)

 

Jasmine G seems like a cool enough girl. But if she wins the lottery, the first thing she would buy would be socks because she can never find them. That means one of two things: either Jasmine G ‘s bedroom is extraordinarily messy, or her bedroom is extraordinarily messy. Get your shit together, Jasmine G.

Additionally, there are two Jasmine’s that look similar, so in order to avoid any confusion, Nick will eliminate one Jasmine very early on and my money is on one-sock Jasmine.

 

22. Dominique, 25 – Restaurant Server

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Dominique. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Dominique has some of the most perfect answers to the stupid questions that ABC thinks has anything to do with finding love. If she had to be an animal, she would be a bird because she loves to travel, and she would be able to see the world. Great answer. If she had to be a fruit, she would be a pineapple because she is hard on the outside and sweet on the inside. Especially great answer if she was trying to be risqué.

Unfortunately, Dominique may be too sweet to stand out from the divas and get lost in the shuffle. Additionally, she is a restaurant server living in L.A. (i.e. she is an aspiring something.) You know what that means: Nick and the other ladies will not be able to help but wonder if she is “there for the right reasons” and Nick will release this bird from her cage and she will be able to spread her wings and fly right back down the road to her LA home.

 

21. Brittany, 26 – Travel Nurse

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Brittany. (Photo credit: abc.

com)

Brittany’s answers to her questionnaire must have been so boring that they decided to use the valuable real estate space to include the riveting question of “How much do you like camping?” in her bio. Her response: “A lot! As long as it’s not cold outside.”

Another fascinating question the producers included, “Do you prefer team sports or solo sports and why?” This resulted in the most painfully boring answer you could imagine: “Team: I love some competition and it makes it more exciting and a good time.”

God. Help. Nick.

For Ladies #20-16 Click Here.

Posted on by

Top 100 Songs of 2016 (Part 3 – #80-71)

#100 – 91       #90-81 

 

80. “The Sound” – The 1975

“The Sound,” off The 1975’s sophomore album I Like It When You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It, is the bands highest charting single to date, and the most difficult to get out of your head. The Manchester England natives have a knack for writing funky, upbeat, pop-rock, and “The Sound” is The 1975 at its best. It is a perfect example of what 80’s new wave music sounds like in 2016. If Boy George and Culture Club were new on the scene today, I would imagine this is what they would sound like. And probably even what they would look like.

Boy George (photo: Dean Stockings)

The 1975 lead singer, Matthew Healy. Photo credit: alchetron.com)

 

79. “Genghis Khan” – Miike Snow

Quite possibly the most bizarre, (and amazing) video of the year is Miike Snow’s “Genghis Khan.” The song tells a story of a man that becomes super jealous and possessive when he thinks of his love interest with anyone else besides him.

“I get a little bit Genghis Khan/don’t want you to get it on/with nobody else but me.”

Genghis Khan, of course, was known for being a brutal emperor with many wives and children. And while the song itself is as radio friendly and catchy as it gets, it is the music video that makes “Genghis Khan” so memorable.

Heavily influenced by James Bond films, the video tells the story of a super villain gone good guy, as he decides what to do with the man he kidnapped. It is Stockholm syndrome at its finest, and both the captor and the captive have a change of heart towards each other, and end up joining forces for an epic dance scene that even Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire would be jealous of. If you watch one music video this year, this should be the one.

 

78. “Five Stars” – Jason Cardinal

Rhode Island native, and one man band, Jason Cardinal, released his second studio project this year titled Five Stars. The title track off the album is a soulful, bluesy, pop rock gem. With his unique, raspy voice and beautiful harmonies, coupled with an impressive guitar solo, Cardinal proves that he is a forced to be reckoned with in the genre.

The amount of passion that Cardinal has for his music is evident, and anyone that has ever been to one of his shows knows that he is one of the hardest working men in the business. “Five Stars” takes Cardinal to new heights and opens the door for 2017 to be the biggest year yet for his music career.

 

77. “The Sound Of Silence” – Disturbed

Originally recorded by Simon and Garfunkel and written by Paul Simon in 1963, “The Sound Of Silence” became the highest charting song in Disturbed’s history.

While the song has been covered many times throughout the years, few artists, if any, have made the track as bone-chillingly haunting as Disturbed. A strong case could be made that the last 90 seconds of the song may be the most epic 90 seconds of any song released in 2016.

Disturbed’s version of the classic song is the stuff that nightmares are made of, which ironically makes it so beautiful.

 

76. “The Hand Of John L. Sullivan” – Flogging Molly

Flogging Molly, the Irish-American 7-piece Celtic punk band released their first track in over five years in 2016. “The Hand Of John L. Sullivan” is about boxing legend and Boston native, John L. Sullivan.

Known as “Boston Strong Boy,” John L. Sullivan was so admired that it was considered an honor to shake his hand. For decades politicians that met him would tell voters that they could “shake the hand that shook the hand of John L. Sullivan.”

(photo: newenglandhistoricalsociety.com)

 

More recently John L. Sullivan can add “Meme Superstar” to his resume, as he is known to millennials as the “Overly Manly Man” that is shown with his fists up and ready to fight in many memes about being a manly man.

(www.instructables.com)

 

Flogging Molly is fun, their music is fun, and The Hand Of John L. Sullivan” is fun. Hopefully, they can get out a new full length album in the new year, and continue to supply us with more essentials for our St. Patrick’s Day playlist.

 

 

75. “Paracetamol” Declan McKenna

After his 2015 breakout hit “Brazil,” 17 year old Declan McKenna shows no signs of slowing down. “Paracetamol” was written when McKenna was just 15 years old. He was inspired by a story about a transgender girl, Leelah Alcorn, that committed suicide in December of 2014 when her mom told her that she would never be a girl, and sent her to Christian transgender conversion therapy.

Back in May, McKenna told theguardian.com that he wanted to write a song about the media’s representation of LGBT communities in general, but instead of writing it from the perspective of the victim, wrote it from the perspective of the authoritative figure talking about somebody they are oppressing.

At just 17 years old, Declan McKenna is not just an extremely talented musician, but an even more gifted song writer, who is not afraid to write about hot button issues. McKenna is wise beyond his years, and “Paracetamol” is proof of that.

 

74. “Bad Decisions” – Two Door Cinema Club

How could I not fall in love with a song that starts with the lyrics “save me / I’ve been drinking wine / And I’ve just made a big mistake / Happens all the time.”

Two Door Cinema Club just summed up my last 5 years in about 7 seconds.

“Bad Decisions” is a dance, disco track taken right from the 1970’s. It’s difficult to not think of Bee Gee’s when listening to the falsetto-heavy song about living by trial-and-error. The video, which places animated band members in a video game, is a trippy journey through bizarre situations that they must find their way out of.

“Bad Decisions” stands out from the rest of the music out there today, and makes it clear that Two Door Cinema Club is making better and better decisions as they continue to progress as a band.

 

73. “Company Of Strangers” – Third Eye Blind

90’s rock all-stars, Third Eye Blind released their EP We Are Drugs back in October. The latest track off their album, “Company Of Strangers,” is about a love interest that prefers empty connections with strangers rather than deeper, more meaningful relationships.

“I said show me your true face and She said I’d rather wear a blindfold
Truth be told I want a robot
A robot heart is all I want”

Like many Third Eye Blind songs “Company Of Strangers” starts out slow and ends with a bang. The catchy hook is enough to get you out of your seat and start fist pumping, which is everything you have come to expect with Third Eye Blind.

 

72. “Give Me A Try” – The Wombats

English band The Wombats are desperately trying to win someone over with their new track, “Give Me A Try.” Sure, William Shakespeare compared his lover to a warm summer’s night, but the Wombats compared their crush to Vicodin on Sunday nights. If you ask me, those two things are like 6 in one, half dozen in the other. So, the Wombats are basically the modern day William Shakespeare, right?

Bottom line: give “Give Me A Try” a try. You will not be disappointed.

 

71. “7” – Catfish and the Bottlemen

The mystery behind the title of the latest Catfish and the Bottlemen song, “7” was revealed by the band in an interview with RadioX back in April.

“It’s called “7” because I wrote it when I was seven hours behind the time difference from the person I wrote it about” says Catfish frontman, Ryan “Van” McCann. Upon further research, it is apparently about a mate of McCann’s that thought it was hysterical that Bottlemen wrote a song about it.

The combination of “7” and their other hit this year, “Soundcheck,” is proof that Catfish and the Bottlemen are major players in the alt rock game.

Come back Tuesday for the next set of 10 songs!

Posted on by

Top 100 Songs Of 2016 (Part 2 – #90-81)

For part 1 of the countdown click here. #100 – #91

Continuing with the next ten songs…..

 

90. “Way Down We Go” – Kaleo

The best thing to come out of Iceland since Björk’s swan dress, Kaleo, burst onto the American music scene this year with the massive hit, “Way Down We Go.” Leave it to a band from Iceland to take their video to the next level and film a live performance at the bottom of a volcano. Which volcano, you ask? Well, it was filmed in Príhnúkagigur, obviously. What other volcano would it have been filmed in?

The epic video just adds to the grit and passion that exude from Kaleo. It may have been a pain in the ass setting up shop at the bottom of a volcano, but way down they went, and it could have been any more perfect.

 

89. “Dark Necessities” – Red Hot Chili Peppers

It may have taken six months, but “Dark Necessities” finally grew on me. 25 Years after their 1991 release of Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magic and the Chili Peppers are still rocking just as hard as they did when they were kids.

In 1991, if someone asked me to envision what a Red Hot Chili Pepper’s video would look like in 2016, I would have imagined this video for “Dark Necessities.” A shirtless Anthony Kiedis flailing around, Flea playing guitar while sitting in a kitchen sink, presumably naked, teenagers skateboarding at night, and a bunch of middle aged men doing things that middle aged men shouldn’t be doing for fear of pulling out their backs.

The song itself starts with a bass line that is immediately recognizable as Flea. And quickly follows with Kiedis’ million-words-a-minute rap rock.  Kiedis says that the lyrics to the song “speak to the beauty of our dark sides and how much creativity, growth and light actually comes out of those difficult struggles that we have on the inside of our heads that no one else can see.”

Think of all the great music we would have missed out on over the past 33 years if the Chili Peppers didn’t have interpersonal struggles and dark sides. One thing is for sure, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are not going to let their ages stop them from being the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

 

88. “Cassidy” – Brett Dennen

Just in time for lounging around the pool on a hot summer day, Brett Dennen released his sixth studio album, Por Favor back in May. “Cassidy”, is an easy listening, carefree, laid back track that Brett Dennen is known for.

Unfortunately we are not able to spend all day, every day laying by the pool and sipping on Piña Coladas, but thankfully Brett Dennen is around to help us get through the less enjoyable life moments when we are not doing such enjoyable things. “Cassidy” is the musical equivalent of day drinking on a blow up raft in the warm summer sun and without a care in the world. The way life should be.

 

87. “Over And Over” – Goo Goo Dolls

The Goo Goo Dolls are back with their 11th studio album, Boxes, and the first single, “Over and Over” is exactly what you would come to expect from the band. To be honest, when I first heard they had a new album out, I couldn’t have cared any less. And this is coming from a guy that couldn’t be spoken to when any song from A Boy Named Goo or Dizzy Up the Girl was playing.

It would be easy to lump Goo Goo Dolls into the same category as a band like Nickelback, but that would not be fair to them. They may be older, but they are significantly less cheesy than Nickelback, and if you don’t write them off as a 90’s band struggling to find their place in 2016, you may realize they actually have some solid tracks, with “Over and Over” being one of their best in years.

 

86. “White Flag” – Joseph

Joseph is three sisters from Portland, OR. There sophomore album, I’m Alone, No You’re Not, was released in August of this year, and contains their biggest track to date, “White Flag.” The song is about facing your fears, and not letting your fears get in your way.

“…I’ll be an army
no you’re not gonna stop me getting through
I’ll sing a marching song and
stomp through the halls
louder than you

I could surrender
but I’d just be pretending
no I’d rather be dead than live a lie
Burn the white flag!
Burn the white flag!”

Only sisters can harmonize as beautifully as Joseph does. And the chorus is so catchy and inspirational that it makes me want to go out and conquer all my fears. Except for my irrational fear of birds. I have absolutely no desire to conquer that fear. Birds suck.

 

85. “Fire” – Barns Courtney

Barns Courtney, a Brit turned Seattleite, turned Brit, had a breakout year in 2016. Courtney wrote “Fire” after being dropped by a record label. He told radio.com that the song is “an appeal to myself to remember why I got into music and what it was all about and to hold on to whatever that spark was.” The song is a great reminder that the hard times you go through are temporary, and to never give up on your dreams.

The chorus of “Fire” will get your adrenaline pumping and your blood flowing. Put this song on repeat when you go for a run, and you are sure to break your previous pathetic personal best running time.

 

84. “Coming Alive” – Kodaline

The Irish lads from Dublin are back with their latest track off their 2015 album, Coming Up For Air, “Coming Alive.” 2016 marks the 4th consecutive year, Kodaline has had a song make the end of the year countdown. “All I Want” in 2013, “High Hopes” in 2014, “The One” in 2015 and now “Coming Alive” in 2016 are all examples of why Kodaline are major players in the alt rock world.

“Coming Alive” is a love song. It is so much of a love song, that it could bring a tear to your eye for one of two reasons. One reason may be that the song reminds you of your signification other, and how much joy they bring into your life. Or another reason, the song reminds you that you are alone, and will likely remain alone for the remainder of your days.

“From the morning sun to the midnight hour
From the break of day to the dark of night
You’re in my head and my heart and it feels much better
Yeah, it feels so good and it feels so right.”

Thanks Kodaline for the reminder that I think about wine the way that normal people think about their significant other.

 

83. “Wish I Knew You” – The Revivalists

The Revivalists are a seven piece rock/soul band from New Orleans. They found massive success in 2016 with their hit “Wish I Knew You,” which has such a unique sound that proves that The Revivalists are in a class of their own.

Jazz, soul, funk and rock combine to create one of the most fun and colorful songs of the year. “Wish I Knew You,” which sounds like a perfect blend of 2 parts Alabama Shakes, 2 parts JJ Grey & Mofro, and 1 part Maroon 5, becomes even more fun when paired with the video of the New Orleans Septet jamming on stage as an older crowd of fans rip it up on the dance floor.

 

82. “Wake Up Call” – Nothing But Thieves

Released back in 2014 in the UK, “Wake Up Call” finally made its way over to the States in 2016. The band Nothing But Thieves, out of Essex, England, has said of their music, “We try not to say too much about the lyrics……One of our favorite things is for someone to say to us ‘oh I think the song is about this.’ It’s not, but that’s so nice for us to hear.”

So don’t go over analyzing this modern rock anthem. Take it for what it is; a killer track from one of the England’s best up and coming bands that could easily be on track towards becoming the next Radiohead or Muse.

 

81. “Bonfire” – The Hunna

One of the best surprises of the year is the band The Hunna, yet another killer new band out of England. “Bonfire,” though released in 2015 in the UK, was released just a few weeks ago here in the States. The Hunna’s first single to hit the US earlier this year was the unbelievably catchy “You And Me.” And with the release of “Bonfire” the band proved that they were more than just one hit wonders.

“Bonfire,” quite possibly the breakup song of the year, is fast, loud, and in your face. Exactly what you want from a breakup song.

 

 

Come back Friday for the next ten songs on the countdown. #80-71