After 23 seasons of ABC’s hit reality show Dancing With the Stars, fans will likely be able to get a good idea about what the cast will look like, even before it’s revealed tomorrow on Good Morning, America.
If past seasons are any indication, there will be a washed up reality star, an Olympian, The Bachelor, a Disney Channel actor, an NFL player, a C-list celebrity that has recently been involved in a controversy, etc.
So, if the producers decided to stray away from their typical cast, and if all the celebrities that got an invite decided to participate, what would the ideal cast look like? The following is a ranking of the 17 celebrities that Dancing With the Stars desperately needs to scout out, to shake up their boring, mundane casting.
7. Emilia Clarke, Actress
Now that the hit HBO show is nearing the end of its run, Emilia Clarke, who plays Mother of Dragons – Queen of Meereen – Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea – Protector of the Realm – Queen of the Andals and the First Men – Breaker of Chains – The Unburnt -Widow of Khal Drogo – Daenerys Targaryen of the House of Targaryen, A.K.A. Dany, should have a bit more free time on her hands.
With Game of Thrones scheduled to end next year, ABC would be stupid not to begin talks with her ASAP to get her on the dance floor in 2018.
REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING HER ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 50%
6. Greg Louganis, Olympic Gold Medalist
We all know the risk a celebrity takes when joining the cast of Dancing With the Stars. From broken bones, fatigue, and ruptured tendons, to neck injuries, back injuries and people just fainting for no apparent reason. The dance floor is a dangerous place to be.
We all know that Greg Louganis, Olympic Diving Champion, can deal with pain.
Unbeknownst to the world, Louganis was diagnosed with HIV just months before the 1988 Olympic Games. It was there that millions of people around the world watched in horror as he smashed his head doing a quadruple – axle – twisting triple luxe, head-shoulder-knees-toes- combo. Louganis was then shrouded in controversy by not immediately disclosing the fact that had been diagnosed with the disease, thus potentially endangering other divers.
Now 56 years old, Louganis is still in tip-top shape and uses his celebrity to advocate for the LGBT community. He would undoubtedly use his diving skills to wow the audience, and make a splash (but not like a cannonball splash, a perfectly dainty splash) in the competition.
REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING GREG ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 99%
5. Ronda Rousey, UFC Fighter
Odds are that ABC has repeatedly asked Rousey to participate on their show. After all, she is very good friends with DWTS superstars Derek Hough and Mark Ballas. I have even sat next to Ballas at one of Rousey’s Vegas fights before (not that I really remember after the 87 beers that I had, but there is photographic evidence, and probably tweets on Ballas’ Twitter account complaining about the drunk guy next to him that keeps asking him if Edyta Śliwińska is as hot in real life as she in on TV.) Additionally, the show just had her rival Paige Vanzant on last season, the odds are, they settled for her.
But now that Rousey’s fighting career is nearing its end, it is very likely that the UFC legend will in the ballroom and show the world her softer side before you can say “greatest female fighter of all time and most dangerous ballerina alive.”
REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING RHONDA ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 95%
4. Macaulay Culkin, Actor
Macaulay Culkin has had quite a tumultuous ride after he shot to child actor superstardom after the 1990 Christmas classic, Home Alone.
For whatever reason, Culkin has been the subject of multiple internet rumors over the years, ranging from his drug abuse and heroin addiction to even his death. Dancing With the Stars would be just the platform that he could use to show the world that he is alive and well. That is, of course, if he is alive and well. Who the hell knows… just yesterday I heard that he voluntarily cryogenically froze his body so he could be brought back to life in 2090 to reprise his role in Home Alone 30. And I’m fairly certain it is not a rumor.
Anyway, the world still desperately wants to talk about Macaulay Culkin, so in the words of the great Bonnie Raitt, “let’s give ’em something to talk about,” Macaulay.
REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING MACAULAY ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 75%
3. “Baby Jessica” – Well Survivor
The 1980’s was responsible for some pretty horrific events. John Lennon was assassinated, Mt. St. Helens erupted, The Challenger exploded, the AIDS epidemic swept the nation, the Tiananmen Square massacre, and Chernobyl did whatever the hell Chernobyl did. But, other than the evening that Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire while filming a Pepsi commercial, and getting over the fact that Milli Vanilli wasn’t actually Milli Vanilli, nothing was more traumatic than Baby Jessica falling down a well the size of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
The world was infatuated with Baby Jessica, and the world deserves an update on the infant that we spent so many nights being captivated by. You had the world at your fingertips in 1987 Baby Jessica, lets see if you can keep those fingertips pointed perfectly while doing the Viennese Waltz with Val Chmerkovskiy.
REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING BABY J ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 30%
2. George W. Bush, Former President
Whether you loved the guy or hated him as a politician, there is no denying that George W Bush is quite a charismatic guy that would be highly entertaining on Dancing With the Stars. The internet could not get enough of him trying to put on his poncho at the President Trump inauguration, and Bush could use his poncho momentum to pull in some swing votes in the Dancing With the Stars competition. I never knew how badly I needed to see George W Bush and Karina Smirnoff do a Tango to “Singing in the Rain,” while partially wearing a plastic poncho with the Presidential Seal on it, until now.
And we already know that former President Bush is not afraid to get jiggy with it in front of an audience.
ABC, if you don’t cast Bush on Dancing With the Stars, can you at least follow him around for his own reality show? This guy is TV gold.
REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING GWB ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 5%
1. Courtney Love, Rock Star
If you had to make a list of 5 celebrities that you would like to see prance around the ballroom doing the Waltz and Courtney Love is not on that list, than you clearly do not know who Courtney Love is.
Widow to the late grunge rock icon, Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars would be the most shocking to date.
Do the censors dare having such a loose cannon on live TV on ABC? Doubtful. But if they do, Courtney Love would take Dancing With the Stars to a whole new level. You thought a shirtless Len Goodman was scary? Wait until you see Courtney Love start losing her temper over continuously forgetting her routine in rehearsals for her jive performance to the song “Rock Around the Clock.”
REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING LOVE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 55%