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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 3)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
FOR PART 2, LADIES #20-16 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

15. Astrid

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Astrid (abc.com)

 

Somebody better call the rodeo master, because we need a group rodeo date pronto! Y’all here see, Astrid is freaked out by horses because she has “had some bad experiences with them.” Not one. SOME.

Also, Astrid has got to make up her damn mind. How can your favorite movie be Beauty and the Beast, but if you could be any fictional character of all time, you would be pre-legs Ariel from The Little Mermaid? Why wouldn’t you just be Belle and take some scuba diving lessons or something, Astrid. Come on, use your head, girl.

Since so many of these girls are obsessed with The Little Mermaid*, I cant help but imagine that at least one of the girls will make a comparison between Nick and Prince Eric. My money is on Astrid, and it will go something like this…. “Oh my God, Nick is so hot. He reminds me of Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. I wouldn’t mind going “Under the Sea**” with him. You know, because darlin’ it’s better down where it’s wetter, if you know what I mean” or some other stupid shit like that.

* For the record, I have nothing against The Little Mermaid. In fact, you can expect it to do quite well on my top 25 animated Disney Movies of All Time list coming to you in 2017. I’m just saying, if I had to answer 10 questions to summarize my life, you can bet your bottom dollar that no animated Disney character would be the focal point of my answers.

** For the record I have nothing against “Under The Sea” in fact, I may or may not have performed it numerous times during karaoke just this summer. Spoiler alert: I did.

14. Susannah

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Susannah (abc.com)

 

I will give you one guess as to what Susannah’s answer was to the following question…

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why?

I’ll give you a few hints:

  • It is a Disney character
  • She has red hair
  • She has a best friend named Flounder that is a brightly colored tropical fish
  • She has a VERY solid grasp on the English language but often forgets the names of the most simple things such as “street” and “feet.”
  • She has gadgets and gizmo’s a-pleanty. And she has whozits and whatzits galore.
  • She has twenty thing-a-ma-bobs
  • She wants more

YOU GUESS IT!!!! If Susannah could be any fictional character, she too, would be Ariel. But not because she would be able to explore the wonders of ocean freely, who cares about that? She would be her because Ariel has nice hair and wears a seashell bra.

Ironically, I happen to think that Susannah has some of the nicest hair in the cast, but what the hell do I know?

 

13. Jasmine B

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jasmine B (abc.com)

 

For the love of God, somebody please tell me that Jasmine B is not referring to the Steve Harvey that I am terrified she is referring to when she answers the following question…

Who is your favorite author and why?

Her answer: “Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships.”

Oh God, she is talking about the Steve Harvey that I am thinking she is talking about, isn’t she?

(mcdermott.lib.overdrive.com)

 

Yup. She is.

Luckily for Jasmine B, she seems super cute and incredibly sweet, so she will at least survive until the topic of favorite authors comes up between her and Nick, which could be a very, very long time.

 

12. Elizabeth “Liz”

Bachelor 21 Contestant, “Liz,” because there is already another Elizabeth. (abc.com)

 

Liz is a doula. And being a guy, I obviously had no idea what the hell a doula was. But,  after taking a good look at Liz, and focusing on what a weird word “doula” is, I should have been able to guess that it means someone that helps someone give birth.

Liz does seem like quite the hippy from the looks of her. However, she says a bunch of not hippyish things in her bio. For example, when she had to fill in the blank in the following sentence, she really went quite literal.

The Question:

If I never had to ______, I would be very happy.

Most people would say something like “work again” or “pay taxes” or “get sick” or “lose a loved one.”

Liz’s answer: “Kill someone”

(center.babygaga.com)

 

Exactly, kinda cute, but kind of creepy, baby. WHAT THE HELL? Who’s mind goes to “kill someone” when asked that question. Like, no kidding. If I ever HAVE to kill someone then some crazy shit is happening. It’s not like she is a cop or a soldier or something, she cuts a frigging umbilical cord. Get a grip, Liz.

If that is not enough, Liz’s least favorite sport is golf. Why? Because it is boring and ANGERS her. I get the boring part, fine, don’t watch it. But to have it anger her? I think we need to go back and run Liz through the background check process again, ABC.

11. Raven

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Raven (abc.com)

Some things that stood out about Raven…

  • Brittany Murphy used to be her favorite actor (but only when she was alive.) Apparently now that she has passed away, she is still searching for a new favorite actress, because she left it at that. That’s so Raven.
  • I am not saying that she doesn’t want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid, because come on, who doesn’t? But if she could be any fictional character she would be Jasmine from Aladdin because “that hair!” and because she has a pet tiger. Obv.
  • While Raven has no
    fear of aging, she does plan to use cosmetic procedures to her advantage, but ONLY if they are tastefully done. Guess we won’t be seeing her on Botched anytime soon.
  • If Raven could be ANYBODY in the world for just one day, she would be a 4 year old by the name of Blue Ivy because then her parents would be Jay Z and Beyonce. Well then why not just be Beyonce? At least you could have a cocktail and not have to have someone wipe your ass for you. Oh wait, maybe not. I’m sure she has people to do that for her too. Nevermind.

 

For the next five ladies click here.

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

30. Hailey, 23 – Photographer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Hailey. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Hailey is definitely not ranked last because she in unattractive, because that is certainly not the case. In fact, none of the ladies are unattractive because if they were, they wouldn’t be on The Bachelor 21. She is ranked last because she has the bitchiest bio picture in 21 seasons of show. Hailey is a photographer, so she must have been well aware of how she looked when taking the picture. She probably even looked at the proofs and said to the photographer, “Let me give you a little bit bitchier.”

Also, when asked by the producers if she was a romantic, her response was, “No. I’m very passionate and can be intense but I’m not into making out all the time and being sang to.” There is less than a zero percent chance that Nick Viall will ever pick a woman that is not romantic. Sure, Hailey easily could have won Juan Pablo’s Bachelor season, but she will only be on this season for the drama. And once the producers have squeezed every last drop of drama out of her, they will allow Nick to dramatically send her home on a two-on-one date (coincidentally being beaten out by her number one rival.)

29. Jaimi, 28 – Chef

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jaimi. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Strikes against Jaimi:

  • Her tattoos are……. “Forever Smiles,” “To Die For,” and get this… a symbol of her initials. Her own initials. Is it just me, or is that very bizarre to have a tattoo of your own initials?
  • When she wants to impress a guy, she bench presses him with her legs. I will bet my life that one of the only shots we see of Jaimi and Nick interacting will be of Jaimi attempting to bench press Nick with her legs on night one. Then of him hugging her goodbye.
  • She refers to herself as a Pesco-Pollo-Lacto-Ovo-Paro-Tarian. And she wonders why she is single.

 

28. Josephine, 24 – Unemployed Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Josephine. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Out of all the contestants, Tori Spelling…… I mean, Josephine looks most like she is heading to the prom. I am no hair and makeup expert, but her hair looks like it took hours to perfect. Good for Josephine that she wants to look good for Nick, but couple her prom hair-do with her over-the-top diamond necklace, and it looks like Josephine will be more concerned with playing dress up than focusing on finding love.

 

27. Ida Marie, 23 – Sales Manager

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Ida Marie. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Ida Marie had absolutely no problem answering the question, “If you could be any fruit or vegetable what would you be?” Her response: “Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine.”

However when asked the arduous question of “What is your favorite book of all time and why?” she was stumped. Her response: “I need to read more books.”

Ida Marie couldn’t even think of one book ever written. Therefore her response to the question “Who is your favorite author?” will not come as a surprise to you… “Again, I need to read more books.”

26. Taylor, 23 – Mental Health Counselor

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Taylor. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Taylor is 23 years old, but looks like she is in high school in her bio pic. And her answer of what she hates when her date does only confirms that she is way too young for Nick. She hates when her date only talks about himself OR only asks about her.

Might I recommend Taylor’s gift to Nick on opening night be a speaker’s staff, which was used by indigenous peoples of aboriginal democracies in order to indicate whose turn it was to be allowed to speak.

A modern day talking stick that may be used in an elementary school classroom to indicate who has to shut the hell up. (photo credit: bgracebullock.com)

 

After patiently awaiting his turn to speak, a Kwakwaka’wakw man is about to spill all the juicy drama going around the tribe now that he has his Speaker’s Staff. (photo credit: Edward J. Curtis)

 

And the nail in the coffin for why she is way too young for Nick is because she says that one of the ways she tries to impress a guy is to “look bomb.” Nick is 36. Does he really want his wife to say she looks bomb? Of course not.

 

25. Alexis, 23 – Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Alexis.     photo credit: abc.com)

 

Alexis looks like she is about to cry  from being forced to smile for the photographer for so long. She looks exactly like I look when I am waiting for a picture to be taken and the person taking my picture is taking way too long to take the damn picture. I can actually hear her saying “Hurry-The-F@*K-UP” just by looking at her picture.

Alexis is 23 years old whose occupation is “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer.” When asked what fictional character she would be, her response was “The Little Mermaid. Who doesn’t want to be a mermaid?” Ummm, I know who doesn’t want to be a mermaid, Alexis…..me! And you know who else…..

THE LITTLE FRIGGIN’ MERMAID HERSELF!

 

24. Briana, 28 – Surgical Unit Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Briana.                 photo credit: abc.com)

 

The reason Briana is ranked so low is because I think she is lying about her entire life. I was 100% convinced that her occupation was going to be “NFL Cheerleader.” Or at least “Former College Cheerleader.” Or “Cheerleading Coach.” Or possibly even “Aspiring NFL Cheerleading Coach.”

But she didn’t mention cheerleading ONE SINGLE TIME in her bio. She didn’t list Bring It On  as her favorite movie. Nor does she mention pom-poms as one of the five things she can’t live without. And she didn’t even mention being a member of the bronze medalists team in the 2010 National Cheer and Dance Competition as her biggest accomplishment to date.

Therefore, she is lying. And Nick doesn’t want, or deserve liars in his life.

23. Jasmine G, 29 – Pro Basketball Dancer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jasmine G. Photo Credit: abc.com)

 

Jasmine G seems like a cool enough girl. But if she wins the lottery, the first thing she would buy would be socks because she can never find them. That means one of two things: either Jasmine G ‘s bedroom is extraordinarily messy, or her bedroom is extraordinarily messy. Get your shit together, Jasmine G.

Additionally, there are two Jasmine’s that look similar, so in order to avoid any confusion, Nick will eliminate one Jasmine very early on and my money is on one-sock Jasmine.

 

22. Dominique, 25 – Restaurant Server

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Dominique. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Dominique has some of the most perfect answers to the stupid questions that ABC thinks has anything to do with finding love. If she had to be an animal, she would be a bird because she loves to travel, and she would be able to see the world. Great answer. If she had to be a fruit, she would be a pineapple because she is hard on the outside and sweet on the inside. Especially great answer if she was trying to be risqué.

Unfortunately, Dominique may be too sweet to stand out from the divas and get lost in the shuffle. Additionally, she is a restaurant server living in L.A. (i.e. she is an aspiring something.) You know what that means: Nick and the other ladies will not be able to help but wonder if she is “there for the right reasons” and Nick will release this bird from her cage and she will be able to spread her wings and fly right back down the road to her LA home.

 

21. Brittany, 26 – Travel Nurse

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Brittany. (Photo credit: abc.com)

Brittany’s answers to her questionnaire must have been so boring that they decided to use the valuable real estate space to include the riveting question of “How much do you like camping?” in her bio. Her response: “A lot! As long as it’s not cold outside.”

Another fascinating question the producers included, “Do you prefer team sports or solo sports and why?” This resulted in the most painfully boring answer you could imagine: “Team: I love some competition and it makes it more exciting and a good time.”

God. Help. Nick.

For Ladies #20-16 Click Here.