Sorry friends and family, but it’s that time of the year again, where for three months I will be talking with a Canadian accent and saying things like “it’s Aboot time you showed up,” or “get your arse out of my seat.” And you remember that time of the year that my fridge is constantly stocked with LaBatt Blue and Molson, and I insist on asking our waiter if they serve Poutine? Yep, its that time. You guessed it, Big Brother Canada is back, and I’m about to get full on Canuck on your asses. Ya know, eh?

This year Big Brother Canada dropped the bomb that they will be filling the house with eight returning players looking to get redemption for their first unsuccessful stint in the house. And they will be playing against eight unlucky newbies, most of which will be inevitably evicted by week five.

The difference in caliber between the vets and the newbies seems so astronomically out of place that I would be willing to bet a lifetime supply of Tim Horton’s coffee and doughnuts that one of the eight vets will be handed the title as the winner of the fifth season of the reality show.

Nevertheless, I will rank the odds of each of the 16 contestant’s chances that they will join Jillian, Jon,  Sarah and the Paquette brothers as Big Brother Canada champions.

 

THE UNDERDOGS

16. Dre

 

Dre will enter the house and become an easy target because of her loud, boisterous personality. Her over-confidence will lead her to believe that the whole house loves her, when in actuality, they will find her annoying and an easy first boot.

“The whole house will love me and want to be me” says Dre in her pre-season interview. Well, I would be willing to bet that not one person in the house will want to be Dre on the first eviction night.

Additionally, Dre mentions Cass and Neda in her interview, so she will be itching to work with them. The vet guys, not yet wanting to target their female counterparts early on, will see Dre as a liability, and send her ass packing as quickly as possible. And Neda and Cass will gladly offer her us as a sacrificial slaughter.

If her answer to the question of “What three words best describes you?” is an indication for how much of a train wreck Dre is going to be, then I am convinced Dre will be evicted before St. Patrick’s Day Weekend.

Her three words: hilarious, extra caring (but I pretend not to care.)

That may be the all-time stupidest answer to that age old question.

FINAL PREDICTION: First Boot

 

15. William

 

First off, I get that Willaim is French Canadian, and French is his first language and all, but I am pretty sure he just made a noise when he said his name. Is there any way that is possibly how he says his name? Watch the first 3 seconds of the clip below to help you understand my confusion…

William has thought long and hard at home about what his strategy going into the Big Brother Canada house is going to be, and it is revolutionary. This guy must be a superfan because the amount of Big Brother knowledge one must obtain to help devise such a scheming plan of attack is very next level thinking. So what is this plan that William has that is all but guaranteed to make him one of the greatest Big Brother players of all time?

“I’m going to try to find thing… everything in the house. Like if there’s not a secret room, like, I really thought about that at home, like, think I’m going to press every wall to see if there is something like hidden in… somewhere.”

Well don’t get too nervous about losing your title as Best Player Ever just yet Dr. Will, because it looks like Big Brother may have found William’s kryptonite. Could this be the only thing that could take down this Big Brother historian?

“I’m scared of being like, uh…. there’s two things. Always speaking English, and doing things with my mouth.”

FINAL PREDICTION… we will be seeing William pushing and poking every wall on his way out the door, trying to find an eviction safety room by week 3.

 

14. Sindy

 

Cindy with an S has been evicted from Big Brother Canada twice, and from the online reality show, Sequester, twice. She holds the record for most eviction votes received by any contestant in a single season with 20. She is the lowest-ranking returning houseguest of any North American Big Brother series. And she is also the first Big Brother Canada houseguest to be evicted twice in one season, as fellow Big Brother 5 houseguest, Gary Levy made it to the final 2 in Big Brother Canada 1.

Bottom line, Sindy is not good at this stuff. BUT…… she has a fun nickname because she spells her name unconventionally. So let’s keep bringing her back until we can find a better girl named Sarah that spells her name with a C. Carah-with-a-C is so much more fun than Sindy-with-an-S.

FINAL PREDICTION: Pre Jury/First Vet Evicted

After a quick Twitter search, I found a contestant for next season. You’re welcome casting.

 

 

13. Dillon

 

Professional boxer, Dillon, says his biggest strength is “his strength… as a human.” WTF?  He says he wants to win every competition. And we all know about his physical strength “as a human,” so he should be a target from the get-go.

But don’t count out your favorite non-Dillon houseguest yet, because luckily for the rest of the house, Dillon may not fare as well in the mental competitions. Here is an actual phrase that Dillon strung together during his pre season interview with Global….

“… girls want to meet me, guys want to be me. Everybody wants to meet me as far as everything goes……So I think that’s gonna tra

nslate well.”

FINAL PREDICTION: He will be the Paul Abrahamian from Big Brother 18, if Paul from BB18 got voted out pre jury.

 

Next 4 houseguests, the dark horses, coming tomorrow. 

And no, I do not have a spreadsheet at home. Thanks to Big Brother Wiki for all the Sindy facts. Not all heroes wear capes.