Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 5)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner-up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
#20-16 CLICK HERE.
#15-11 CLICK HERE.
#10-6 CLICK HERE.

Continuing to the final 5……

5. Corinne

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Corinne (abc.com)

When asked if Corinne had any tattoos, her response was “Yes, but hidden and are being lasered off, so they are already faded.” My mission: to get to the bottom of what awful, embarrassing tattoos were on Corinne’s body to begin with.

Poor ink choices aside, Corinne seems to be a relatively successful 24-year-old, as she is a business owner, and likens herself to being strong and fierce, like a cheetah. I don’t see any problems on the horizon with a strong, fierce woman living with 29 other woman and dating the same guy. Corinne will be a star this season, but probably for all the wrong reasons.

4. Whitney

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Whitney (abc.com)

Whitney is an incredibly hot 25-year-old Pilates instructor from Chanhassen, MN, wherever the hell that is. If she had to be an animal, she would be an eagle so she could see the world from a different perspective. If she could be anyone else for a day, she would be Gisele Bündchen. And she lives her life with no regrets. Did I mention she is a Pilates instructor?

Whitney seems perfect. The catch, I don’t think she will be as into the process as she needs to be to make it to the end. She will be above all the drama and cattiness and Nick will mistake that for disinterest. Just looking at her picture, you can already tell she is thinking, “what the hell have I gotten myself into.” I’ll love Whitney, America will love Whitney, but sadly, Nick may feel inferior to her and send her packing back to Chanhassen. But not before a private Pilates session, of course.

3. Vanessa

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Vanessa (abc.com)

Like Whitney, Vanessa seems pretty much perfect. What concerns me most about Vanessa, however, is the fact that her biggest fear is hurting people’s feelings.

I predict that Nick will be very into Vanessa, but Vanessa will become best friends with all the girls and feel bad about getting Nick’s attention and bow out. She is a special education teacher, so she is used to putting other people’s needs above hers. She will be able to come across as a role model to all young girls across the country that should absolutely not be watching The Bachelor, while still standing up for what she believes is right. If ABC decides they don’t care if they look racist by not having a minority as the next Bachelorette, and if Nick is stupid enough to let her go, expect Vanessa to be the next Bachelorette in May. And if that’s the case, expect a 2 month-long hiatus from Ryan’s Countdowns when I am trying to break into the Bachelorette 13 mansion.

2. Sarah

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Sarah (abc.com)

Sarah seems like the most real, genuine girl in the bunch. She is super sexy, adventurous (she moved to NYC with just 3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 her,) and she loves to gamble. And I love a girl who loves to gamble.

I’m assuming her answer to the question “what animal would you be” is some type of attempt at humor, because she say “Puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right? :)” I don’t know what the hell that means, but I guess that it is some sort of witty reference to something girly.

Fine, I Googled it and I was right. It, of course, is a reference to The Notebook. How, the hell, did I know.

Anyway, Sarah is my pick for the coolest girl in the bunch, and if Nick doesn’t choose her, expect her to be tearing it up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

1. Kristina

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Kristina. (abc.com)

My season 21 winner pick belongs to the 24-year-old orphan turned Dental Hygienist, Kristina. Abandoned at a young age by her alcoholic biological mother, it is her adoptive parents that Kristina admires most in the world.

She is not afraid of aging, b

ecause “aging is a beautiful thing.”  I think I can speak for everyone when I say, speak for yourself, Kristina.

One of the things that stuck out to me most about Kristina is that her favorite actor is Meryl Streep. Not Hannah Montana, or Britney Spears in Crossroads, or the lady that played the voice of The Little Mermaid; an actual, well-respected, iconic actress. Good for you, Kristina. I hope you and Nick live happily ever after and have a house full of obnoxiously beautiful, charismatic, perfect children.

 

Upon further research, if Kristina could be any fictional character of all time she would be Fiona from Shrek. Not Lady Macbeth, or Jane Eyre, or Scarlett O’Hara, or Daenerys Targaryen, or Nancy Drew, or Athena, or Aphrodite, or Mary Friggin’ Poppins. Fiona, from Shrek. Can somebody please tell these ladies that fictional does not necessarily translate to animated. I give up.

Ranking All 30 Bachelor 21 Contestants (Part 4) 10-6

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
LADIES #20-16 CLICK HERE.
LADIES #15-11 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

10. Lacey

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Lacey (abc.com)

 

Lacey seems like a very well educated, well-rounded woman. She graduated with a double degree (she does not mention what degrees, so technically it could be basket weaving and juggling, so take it with a grain of salt) and she is learning Arabic. Also, when asked what three people she would have lunch with, she choose three of the greatest minds the world has ever known.

  1. William Shakespeare – The English poet and author widely regarded as the greatest writer in history.
  2. JK Rowling – The author and genius behind the greatest selling book series of all time, Harry Potter
  3. Joe Jonas – American singer and actor who is responsible for critically acclaimed, groundbreaking roles such as “Himself” in Hannah Montanaand Shane Gray in Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam

While Lacey seems to have the brains and the beauty to go all the way, it may be her jealousy that sends her packing, as her biggest date fear is when “he’s going on another date right after” which she follows by telling us (that has happened before).

Expect Lacey to make it mid season, and after she has an epic meltdown because Nick is going on a one-on-one with the same girl he already went on a one-on-one with in week two, yet she still has not had a one-on-one, will be pulled aside by Nick and shown the door in the most dramatic moment of the season.

 

9. Danielle M

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Danielle M (abc.com)

 

There is a law in Louisiana or Tennessee that says that you can’t eat ice cream on the side of the road, “or something like that” and that really pisses Danielle M right the hell off. So much so, that if Danielle M could break any law with no repercussions, that would be it, according to her abc.com bio. ABC and the producers of the Bachelor just wanted to make sure that we were given that riveting information about Danielle M.

Perhaps more interestingly is the fact that if Danielle M could be any fictional character she would be Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series because “she’s a smart, clever, beautiful witch.” That is actually a great answer. But what I am

most impressed with is the fact that Danielle M understands that a “fictional character” is not limited to Disney princesses. It could possibly be due to the fact that she is 31 years old, which compared to 85% of the cast, is considered elderly.

Not that any of this information about Danielle M matters though because Danielle M had a fiancé that passed away. So the ONLY thing we will get to know about Danielle M is that she had a fiancé that passed away. There is nothing ABC loves more than a dead fiancé and they will soak that shit up for every last drop until Danielle M is eliminated in Nick’s “most difficult Rose ceremony to date.”

 

8. Lauren

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Lauren (abc.com)

 

Things that make Lauren perfect:

  • She is super sexy
  • She is a law school graduate
  • Lauren loves mini golf
  • She wants to be a dolphin, but did not need to make one single reference to The Little Mermaid to get her point across.
  • She gives 100% in relationships to make them fun and adventurous.
  • In 5 years she wants to be happily married with kids and in a house full of laughter.
  • She loves Step Brothers
  • The 5 things she can’t live without are “My super soft vintage Hall & Oates t-shirt, chapstick, my family, sushi, music”

It would be way too easy to say Lauren is going to win, plus she deserves someone better than perfect Nick. Like somebody that runs their own website and makes countdowns about pop culture.

7. Angela

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Angela (abc.com)

 

In five years, Angela wants to be a stay at home mom. Yeah, me too Angela. Also, if Angela never had to ________ she would be very happy. So what it is that Angela never wants to do again? The dreaded act of driving herself. Angela is also a model, so we know she will be thrown into the “here for the right reasons” spotlight, which is never a good thing.

Also, her worst date memory is when a guy wrote down “Batman” while they waited for a table. Unless they were eating at Le Meurice, in Paris, France, that is kind of funny Angela. Take a chill pill, please.

Le Meurice, party of 2 for Batman and buzzkill. (the guardian.com)

 

6. Rachel

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Rachel (abc.com)

 

Rachel is ranked at #6 not because she can’t win, but because ABC will have plans on using her as the next Bachelorette, making her the first minority leading lady or man in Bachelor franchise history.

A beautiful, successful attorney, Rachel is what ABC has been waiting for to prove they are not racist, and they will do everything in their power to prep her for The Bachelorette 13. Sorry Nick, Rachel may be single, but ABC has their eyes on her, and it is unlikely they will let her go.

For the Top 5 Ladies – Click Here.

Top 100 Songs of 2016 (Part 8) #30-21

FOR THE FIRST SEVEN LISTS CLICK BELOW.

#100 – 91       #90-81     #80-71       #70-61       #60-51
#50-41      #40-31

30. “A 1000 Times” – Hamilton Leithauser + Rostam

The best collaboration of the year goes to Hamilton Leithauser + Rostam with “A 1000 Times.” The catchy repetitive chorus, “A thousand times, a thousand times, I’ve had that dream a thousand times” is made even better while watching the video which portrays the musicians throughout various stages of their lives.

What starts as something reminiscent to a lullaby, end with a fist-pumping, heart-wrenching scream fest, making “A 1000 Times” very easy to listen to over and over again.

29. “Bored To Death” – Blink 182

Any fan of old school Blink 182 will consider 2016 to be a huge success for the band. “Bored To Death,” the first single off their latest album California is proof that although the entire band may not be in tact (Tom Delonge is no longer with the band) Blink still has what it takes to be called the big men on campus in the alt rock genre.

It has been 22 years since Blink 182 released their first album, Cheshire Catwhich means that long time fans of the band now may have children that are being introduced to the band for the first time. And “Bored To Death” is Blink 182 that Blink 182 fans can be proud of.

28. “Lover Comes Back” – City and Colour

While “Lover Come Back” may be one of the most heartbreaking songs of the year, it is also one of the most beautiful. Canadian born Dallas Green (under the alias City and Colour) pleads to his ex-lover that he was foolish letting them leave and begs for their return.

“So, I sing lover come back, lover come back to me
Won’t you ever come back, ever come back to me
How could I have been so foolish to let you leave
Lover come back, lover come back to me”

Sung with enough passion and determination to earn a shot at redemption, “Lover Come Back” is an anthem for anyone that is willing to admit guilt and crawl back to someone you let go.

27. “Let It Burn” – Volbeat

If you’re like most people, simply the thought of metal music scares the hell out of you. And a Danish, heavy metal band… forget it, that is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

But fear not, Volbeat is here to take everything you thought you knew about metal music, and drop it on its head. “Let It Burn”, the new track off the bands sixth studio album, Seal the Deal & Let’s Boogie is a metal track that even your grandmother could rock out to. The catchy vocal melody, and inspiring lyrics, coupled with a killer guitar solo, combine to deliver what may very well be your favorite “metal” song since “Mama, I’m Coming Home”, you know, the only other “metal song” you have ever liked in your life.

 

26. “Good Grief” – Bastille

Quite possibly the most upbeat, jolly song about the grieving process in decades, “Good Grief” is about figuring out how the hell to move on after the death of a loved one.

“Caught off guard by your favorite song
I’ll be dancing at a funeral, dancing at a funeral
Sleeping in the clothes you love
It’s such a shame we had to see them burn, shame we had to see them burn

What’s gonna be left of the world if you’re not in it?
What’s gonna be left of the world, oh

Every minute and every hour
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more
Every stumble and each misfire
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more”

With the release of “Good Grief,” the first single off the band’s sophomore album Wild World, Bastille has proven to all the naysayers that they’re not just one album wonders, and are here to stay.

 

25. “We Don’t Know” – The Strumbellas

Canadian rock band, The Strumbellas had the year of their lives in 2016. “We Don’t Know,” just one of their incredibly catchy tracks from the year, is about what do to when you’ve found yourself in a pit of hopelessness. Yet, the track and even more so the video, is as uplifting and fun loving as it gets.

One thing we DO know for sure is that The Strumbellas are the best gift that the US has received this year. Thank you, Canada. Over and over again.

24. “Only Just A Call Away” – The Struts

After the year The Struts had in 2015, it was nearly impossible to imagine how they could compete with themselves in 2016. Well, not only did they compete, they may have done even better. While last year they did top the countdown with the number one song Could’ve Been Me, this year they have not one but two songs in the top 25.

“Only Just A Call Away” is about being there for someone even if you can’t be there physically, you will be there emotionally. The Struts have once again proven that they are the best thing to happen to modern rock music in a very long time.

23. “What the Hell Did I Say” – Dierks Bentley

The all too relatable, “What the Hell Did I Say”, is Dierks Bentley’s second video in his 4-part series about a pair of secret lovers. After Bentley’s 2014 super hit, “Drunk On a Plane”, he became one of the biggest names in country music due to the fact that the song resonated to fans of all genres, because, you know, who doesn’t like to get drunk on a plane?

What could possibly be a follow up to the lovable, drunk plane passenger’s journey, “What the Hell Did I Say”, tells a story about drunk dialing, and the regrets one may feel upon waking up in the morning after a night of heavy drinking.

Just as much a pop-rock song as it is a country song, Bentley has a knack of releasing tracks that are catchy as hell, and make you forget the fact that you have claimed that you have hated country music since you were an adolescent.

22. “Burn It Down” – Fitz and the Tantrums

Fitz and the Tantrums have proven that they can do no wrong. Year after year they continue to release the most catchy rock music that begs to be danced to. “Burn It Down” is the type of dance music with a rock twist that many try, but few are able to perfect. And there is not one single artist in music today that can do it as well and seemingly effortless as Fitz and the Tantrums.

21. “Dancing On Glass” – St. Lucia

No need to look at your calendars; it is not 1985, and no you are not watching a video from the first batch of MTV hits. Known as St. Lucia, Jean-Philip Grobler’s “Dancing On Glass” is one of the most unique songs in music today. “Dancing On Glass” is 80’s music on steroids and with a futuristic twist. It is like a hodgepodge of the past and the future all rolled into one flawless four minute gem.

Top 20 Coming tomorrow!