It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.
Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.
While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.
The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.
The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life
FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
FOR PART 2, LADIES #20-16 CLICK HERE.
Somebody better call the rodeo master, because we need a group rodeo date pronto! Y’all here see, Astrid is freaked out by horses because she has “had some bad experiences with them.” Not one. SOME.
Also, Astrid has got to make up her damn mind. How can your favorite movie be Beauty and the Beast, but if you could be any fictional character of all time, you would be pre-legs Ariel from The Little Mermaid? Why wouldn’t you just be Belle and take some scuba diving lessons or something, Astrid. Come on, use your head, girl.
Since so many of these girls are obsessed with The Little Mermaid*, I cant help but imagine that at least one of the girls will make a comparison between Nick and Prince Eric. My money is on Astrid, and it will go something like this…. “Oh my God, Nick is so hot. He reminds me of Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. I wouldn’t mind going “Under the Sea**” with him. You know, because darlin’ it’s better down where it’s wetter, if you know what I mean” or some other stupid shit like that.
* For the record, I have nothing against The Little Mermaid. In fact, you can expect it to do quite well on my top 25 animated Disney Movies of All Time list coming to you in 2017. I’m just saying, if I had to answer 10 questions to summarize my life, you can bet your bottom dollar that no animated Disney character would be the focal point of my answers.
** For the record I have nothing against “Under The Sea” in fact, I may or may not have performed it numerous times during karaoke just this summer. Spoiler alert: I did.
I will give you one guess as to what Susannah’s answer was to the following question…
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why?
I’ll give you a few hints:
- It is a Disney character
- She has red hair
- She has a best friend named Flounder that is a brightly colored tropical fish
- She has a VERY solid grasp on the English language but often forgets the names of the most simple things such as “street” and “feet.”
- She has gadgets and gizmo’s a-pleanty. And she has whozits and whatzits galore.
- She has twenty thing-a-ma-bobs
- She wants more
YOU GUESS IT!!!! If Susannah could be any fictional character, she too, would be Ariel. But not because she would be able to explore the wonders of ocean freely, who cares about that? She would be her because Ariel has nice hair and wears a seashell bra.
Ironically, I happen to think that Susannah has some of the nicest hair in the cast, but what the hell do I know?
13. Jasmine B
For the love of God, somebody please tell me that Jasmine B is not referring to the Steve Harvey that I am terrified she is referring to when she answers the following question…
Who is your favorite author and why?
Her answer: “Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships.”
Oh God, she is talking about the Steve Harvey that I am thinking she is talking about, isn’t she?
Yup. She is.
Luckily for Jasmine B, she seems super cute and incredibly sweet, so she will at least survive until the topic of favorite authors comes up between her and Nick, which could be a very, very long time.
12. Elizabeth “Liz”
Liz is a doula. And being a guy, I obviously had no idea what the hell a doula was. But, after taking a good look at Liz, and focusing on what a weird word “doula” is, I should have been able to guess that it means someone that helps someone give birth.
Liz does seem like quite the hippy from the looks of her. However, she says a bunch of not hippyish things in her bio. For example, when she had to fill in the blank in the following sentence, she really went quite literal.
If I never had to ______, I would be very happy.
Most people would say something like “work again” or “pay taxes” or “get sick” or “lose a loved one.”
Liz’s answer: “Kill someone”
Exactly, kinda cute, but kind of creepy, baby. WHAT THE HELL? Who’s mind goes to “kill someone” when asked that question. Like, no kidding. If I ever HAVE to kill someone then some crazy shit is happening. It’s not like she is a cop or a soldier or something, she cuts a frigging umbilical cord. Get a grip, Liz.
If that is not enough, Liz’s least favorite sport is golf. Why? Because it is boring and ANGERS her. I get the boring part, fine, don’t watch it. But to have it anger her? I think we need to go back and run Liz through the background check process again, ABC.
Some things that stood out about Raven…
- Brittany Murphy used to be her favorite actor (but only when she was alive.) Apparently now that she has passed away, she is still searching for a new favorite actress, because she left it at that. That’s so Raven.
- I am not saying that she doesn’t want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid, because come on, who doesn’t? But if she could be any fictional character she would be Jasmine from Aladdin because “that hair!” and because she has a pet tiger. Obv.
- While Raven has no Botched anytime soon. fear of aging, she does plan to use cosmetic procedures to her advantage, but ONLY if they are tastefully done. Guess we won’t be seeing her on
- If Raven could be ANYBODY in the world for just one day, she would be a 4 year old by the name of Blue Ivy because then her parents would be Jay Z and Beyonce. Well then why not just be Beyonce? At least you could have a cocktail and not have to have someone wipe your ass for you. Oh wait, maybe not. I’m sure she has people to do that for her too. Nevermind.
For the next five ladies click here.