Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 3)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
FOR PART 2, LADIES #20-16 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

15. Astrid

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Astrid (abc.com)

 

Somebody better call the rodeo master, because we need a group rodeo date pronto! Y’all here see, Astrid is freaked out by horses because she has “had some bad experiences with them.” Not one. SOME.

Also, Astrid has got to make up her damn mind. How can your favorite movie be Beauty and the Beast, but if you could be any fictional character of all time, you would be pre-legs Ariel from The Little Mermaid? Why wouldn’t you just be Belle and take some scuba diving lessons or something, Astrid. Come on, use your head, girl.

Since so many of these girls are obsessed with The Little Mermaid*, I cant help but imagine that at least one of the girls will make a comparison between Nick and Prince Eric. My money is on Astrid, and it will go something like this…. “Oh my God, Nick is so hot. He reminds me of Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. I wouldn’t mind going “Under the Sea**” with him. You know, because darlin’ it’s better down where it’s wetter, if you know what I mean” or some other stupid shit like that.

* For the record, I have nothing against The Little Mermaid. In fact, you can expect it to do quite well on my top 25 animated Disney Movies of All Time list coming to you in 2017. I’m just saying, if I had to answer 10 questions to summarize my life, you can bet your bottom dollar that no animated Disney character would be the focal point of my answers.

** For the record I have nothing against “Under The Sea” in fact, I may or may not have performed it numerous times during karaoke just this summer. Spoiler alert: I did.

14. Susannah

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Susannah (abc.com)

 

I will give you one guess as to what Susannah’s answer was to the following question…

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why?

I’ll give you a few hints:

  • It is a Disney character
  • She has red hair
  • She has a best friend named Flounder that is a brightly colored tropical fish
  • She has a VERY solid grasp on the English language but often forgets the names of the most simple things such as “street” and “feet.”
  • She has gadgets and gizmo’s a-pleanty. And she has whozits and whatzits galore.
  • She has twenty thing-a-ma-bobs
  • She wants more

YOU GUESS IT!!!! If Susannah could be any fictional character, she too, would be Ariel. But not because she would be able to explore the wonders of ocean freely, who cares about that? She would be her because Ariel has nice hair and wears a seashell bra.

Ironically, I happen to think that Susannah has some of the nicest hair in the cast, but what the hell do I know?

 

13. Jasmine B

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jasmine B (abc.com)

 

For the love of God, somebody please tell me that Jasmine B is not referring to the Steve Harvey that I am terrified she is referring to when she answers the following question…

Who is your favorite author and why?

Her answer: “Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships.”

Oh God, she is talking about the Steve Harvey that I am thinking she is talking about, isn’t she?

(mcdermott.lib.overdrive.com)

 

Yup. She is.

Luckily for Jasmine B, she seems super cute and incredibly sweet, so she will at least survive until the topic of favorite authors comes up between her and Nick, which could be a very, very long time.

 

12. Elizabeth “Liz”

Bachelor 21 Contestant, “Liz,” because there is already another Elizabeth. (abc.com)

 

Liz is a doula. And being a guy, I obviously had no idea what the hell a doula was. But,  after taking a good look at Liz, and focusing on what a weird word “doula” is, I should have been able to guess that it means someone that helps someone give birth.

Liz does seem like quite the hippy from the looks of her. However, she says a bunch of not hippyish things in her bio. For example, when she had to fill in the blank in the following sentence, she really went quite literal.

The Question:

If I never had to ______, I would be very happy.

Most people would say something like “work again” or “pay taxes” or “get sick” or “lose a loved one.”

Liz’s answer: “Kill someone”

(center.babygaga.com)

 

Exactly, kinda cute, but kind of creepy, baby. WHAT THE HELL? Who’s mind goes to “kill someone” when asked that question. Like, no kidding. If I ever HAVE to kill someone then some crazy shit is happening. It’s not like she is a cop or a soldier or something, she cuts a frigging umbilical cord. Get a grip, Liz.

If that is not enough, Liz’s least favorite sport is golf. Why? Because it is boring and ANGERS her. I get the boring part, fine, don’t watch it. But to have it anger her? I think we need to go back and run Liz through the background check process again, ABC.

11. Raven

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Raven (abc.com)

Some things that stood out about Raven…

  • Brittany Murphy used to be her favorite actor (but only when she was alive.) Apparently now that she has passed away, she is still searching for a new favorite actress, because she left it at that. That’s so Raven.
  • I am not saying that she doesn’t want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid, because come on, who doesn’t? But if she could be any fictional character she would be Jasmine from Aladdin because “that hair!” and because she has a pet tiger. Obv.
  • While Raven has no
    fear of aging, she does plan to use cosmetic procedures to her advantage, but ONLY if they are tastefully done. Guess we won’t be seeing her on Botched anytime soon.
  • If Raven could be ANYBODY in the world for just one day, she would be a 4 year old by the name of Blue Ivy because then her parents would be Jay Z and Beyonce. Well then why not just be Beyonce? At least you could have a cocktail and not have to have someone wipe your ass for you. Oh wait, maybe not. I’m sure she has people to do that for her too. Nevermind.

 

For the next five ladies click here.

Top 100 Songs of 2016 (Part 7) #40-31

FOR THE FIRST SIX LISTS CLICK BELOW.

#100 – 91       #90-81     #80-71       #70-61       #60-51
#50-41

40. “Freakin’ Me Out” – The Mowglis

As if the song itself isn’t fun enough, this original video from Flood Magazine will get you through your day the next time you run out of “your” prescription Xanax. With a catchy upbeat track and the spot-on harmonies that The Mowglis have become known for, “Freakin’ Me Out” will undoubtably make your day a little brighter.

39. “Favorite Liar” – The Wrecks

According to their Twitter account, The Wrecks are “5 kids who snuck into a recording studio to self-produce their debut EP.” But after listening to their first track, “Favorite Liar,” they sure as hell could have fooled me.

The song, about being in a rocky relationship and knowing that your significant other (or ex) is a liar, but you still have feelings for them anyway, will get your blood pumping and heart racing. For maximum enjoyment listen to it on full blast while driving down the highway and singing at the top of your lungs (while pretending that is not what you are doing every time you drive by a car.)

38. “Live While I Breathe” – The Moth & the Flame

Easily one of the most passionate and dramatic songs of the year, “Live While I Breathe” by The Moth & the Flame is so unique that it almost seems futuristic. With a hauntingly beautiful melody and deep soulful lyrics, “Live While I Breathe,” is the brightest light yet for The Moth & the Flame.

37. “Ride” – Twenty One Pilots

Unless you have been in a coma or possibly on a deep-sea ice fishing trip in Antarctica for the last year, you are certainly familiar with the band Twenty One Pilots and their hit song, “Ride.”

In fact, if you still haven’t tired of hearing the song, I dare you to not sing along with the oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooh, ohhhh part, as I am pretty sure it is impossible to not sing along to. Even if you don’t want to. But love it or hate it, you can’t deny that Twenty One Pilots have become hit making machines, and “Ride” was one of the biggest and most catchy songs of the year.

 

36. “Red Dress” – Magic!

From the first few notes of the song, it is obvious to any music fan familiar with Magic! that “Red Dress” is from the Canadian reggae band.

The song is about a pain in the ass woman who takes forever to choose what she wants to wear to dinner while her man waits patiently while growing more and more hungry. But when she finally makes up her damn mind and walks out wearing her red dress, he quickly forgets that he is famished and his focus changes from eating to his attraction to his woman.

Reggae meet rock meets pop in this Magic! track that will make sales of short little red dresses quadruple in numbers.

35. “King of the World” – Weezer

“King of the World” is the old school Weezer you have been waiting over ten years to hear again. It is the story of a man who compares what life is actually like, to what life would be like if he was king of the worl

d.

“If I was king of the world
You’d be my girl
You wouldn’t have to shed one single tear
Unless you wanted to
‘Cause yeah I know what it’s like
If I was king of the world
Yeah, girl
We could ride a Greyhound all the way to the Galapagos
And stay for the rest of our lives”

After being a fan of Weezer for over 20 years, I have decided to no longer question Weezer on their otherwise nonsensical lyrics. Now that I have decided to do this, I somehow have an urge to put “ride a Greyhound all the way to the Galapagos” on my bucket list. If it is good enough Rivers Cuomo, it is good enough for me.

34. “Bury It” – CHVRCHES

CHVRCHES (pronounced Churches) the Scottish synthpop band from Glasgow, have been described as Indietronic, Indie Pop, and even electronic pop. And while their latest hit, “Bury It,” may be all of those things, it is also downright rock.

One of the most memorable songs of the year by a female lead, “Bury It” will help you to push down all those feelings that are dragging you down, and enable you to rise above. Try running to this infectious track, and every time you feel like you are going to keel over and die, just “bury it, and rise above” and you will be surprised at how far you can go.

33. “Fire Escape” – Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness

While the fun-loving pop rock song itself is more than deserving of a spot in the top 40 songs of the year, it is the hysterical video that you will first fall in love with if you are unfamiliar with the latest track by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness, “Fire Escape.”

The concept of the video is following around two starry-eyed inflatable wavy armed dancers, the kind that you may find in a used car lot to bring in customers. From their first date all the way until the birth of their first inflatable child, you will see their budding romance grow. You will not only fall in love with the inflatables, but you will fall in love with this killer song by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness.

32. “My Church” – Maren Morris

Frontrunner for Best New Artist of 2016, Maren Morris not only broke into the country music world, but made a name for herself outside of the genre as well. While “My Church” is as country as it gets, even the biggest opponent of the genre would be lying if they said they didn’t find the song catchy as hell. Music fans of any genre will be able to appreciate the fact that the song is about a girl who is so at peace with driving down the highway and listening to her beloved music that she likens it to being her church.

While Morris had other hits this year, “My Church” will be the song that gets the ball rolling for her inevitable progression into the world of pop and rock music.

31. “Critical Mistakes” – 888

Denver, CO band, 888, urges listeners to “come wake me up before I die, and I never get to live” in their rock gem, “Critical Mistakes.”

“I want a house on the hill by the ocean, I’d let the tide wash away all my critical mistakes” is one most memorable lines of 2016, and some of the best use of imagery any rock band has used all year.

888 has come out swinging and 2017 will be a “critical” time for them to build on their well deserved success from “Critical Mistakes.”

For songs 30 – 21 click here.

Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 2)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

20. Christen

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Christen (abc.com)

 

Two things in particular jump out at me about Christen. The first is that she is a wedding videographer. That is a great job and all, but I can’t help but imagine she would be a bit of a Bridezilla. Now, speed up the process of getting engaged within about a month of meeting Nick, and I assume some of that Bridezilla would inevitably turn into a girlfriend-zilla; which Nick will certainly not tolerate.

Additionally, she gives about 7 cliches for why she would be a grapefruit if she had to be a fruit. They are fine and all, but she ends with “And you have to peel them back to get to the good stuff.” Christen, why can’t you just give me your good stuff? Why do I have to peel shitty stuff away first? Ain’t nobody got time to peel away your grapefruit skin when there are 29 other ladies that have already peeled off theirs: especially Nick Viall.

19. Michelle

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Michelle (abc.com)

 

 

On paper, Michelle seems like she is damn near perfect. She is pretty, has very well worded, thought out answers to the painfully ridiculous questions that ABC asked her, and at the age of 24, she owns her own food truck. She doesn’t just work on a food truck like some of the more awful contestants on Hell’s Kitchen, she owns that shit.

The thing about Michelle, however, is that she may not be able to stand out from the rest of the ladies and I fear she may be eliminated before Nick even has time to ask her what kind of houseplant she would be if she had to be a houseplant. Because I am pretty sure that she would have a perfect answer that would knock his socks off his presumably beautifully manicured feet.

18. Elizabeth

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Elizabeth (abc.com)

 

Strap in folks, we may have a crazy one on our hands. ABC pulled out the big guns when they reached into their bag of nonsensical questions for Elizabeth. The best:

Q: “Do you have any phobias that would prohibit participation in certain activities? (heights, claustrophobia, crowds, darkness, OCD, etc.)”

Elizabeth’s answer: “Claustrophobia and Misophonia – it’s a real thing. Look it up on Google!”

Look at that, Elizabeth is already bossing us around and making us look up shit on google rather than just telling us what the hell misophonia is. But fear not, I being the professional countdown expert that I am, took it upon myself to find out what asinine phobia Elizabeth thought would get her on the show. Her fear: Sound.

My prediction: ABC will make Nick keep Elizabeth until at least week two so he can take her on his first one-on-one to a Disneyland Fireworks Spectacular or something like that, where Nick will be a hero and cover her ears with his perfectly masculine, but not too masculine hands.

Then she will be shown the door in week three and will be terrified of her own sobbing while waiting for her limo to arrive.

17. Danielle L

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Danielle L (abc.com)

 

Danielle’s 3 favorite movies are The Notebook, Love Actually, and A Walk To Remember

Danielle’s favorite book of all time is The 5 Languages of Love! When asked why this is her favorite book, her response was “Discover yourself, your relationship needs. It’s beneficial in all relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers).”

While I have no doubt that Danielle L is on this reality show for “all the right reasons,” I fear that she may be a little too overbearing for Nick to handle. But on a positive note: if there are any sexy single dudes out there that want to cuddle up and have a nice little hyperventilating sob while watching the saddest movies of all time every night, Danielle L should be single in no time.

16. Olivia

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Olivia (abc.com)

 

It is down right astonishing that Olivia is still single as she has the most original way of approaching a man that she is interested in that I have ever heard in my life. So, are you ready to hear Olivia’s key steps to snagging that guy or girl of your dreams………

“It depends on the situation and where we are at, but I would try to make eye contact with him and smile. If he comes over to me, I would introduce myself.”

 Olivia, Bachelor 21 contestant

Well no shit Olivia. Even ABC isn’t stupid enough to think that you wouldn’t first look at the guy, second smile and third, tell the dude your name. All I know is that I am praying to the reality TV gods that Olivia is one of the ladies that walks into the mansion and forgets to tell Nick her name. Stick to the plan, Olivia. Stick to the plan.

To be fair, if ABC walked up to me and asked me, “If you wanted to approach a woman you had never met before, how would you go about it?” I would be like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But I think even that would be a better answer than “look at them, smile, and say “hello, I’m Ryan” IF they came over to me.”

 

For ladies 15-11 Click here.